PINOE'S BLUE SKY

CHAP 5: THE PERSON, NOT THE GENDER

I woke up with no one by my side. It's only 4:00am and Skylar wasn't in the bed with me. I wondered what got into her and became paranoid by her absence.

I immediately sat up and looked around, and finally caught her small body sitting on the floor doing something with her luggage, which my instinct instantly told me what to worry about.

- Skylar. – I called her with my morning voice.

She turned around and looked at me. Those brown eyes turned into an apologetic mode right after they met mine.

- I'm sorry Rapinoe, I... I cant. – she shook her head slowly and repeatedly, as I felt like my whole world was being shaken.

- Skylar Blue, you can't just kiss me, cuddle me all night and say you can't be with me at 4 in the morning.

It's just not right.

She told me I was beautiful. She told me I was irresistible. She kissed every of my comfort spots and now she told me she couldn't be with me. What kind of common sense was that?

She stood up and slowly approached me, meanwhile I was buried like being concreted in my sitting position and couldn't feel my heart anymore.

- Are you trying to run away from me again? – I could feel my eyes burning and myself choking up.

- Megan Rapinoe, I don't mean to hurt you. – she said, sat down next to me, at the margin of the bed.

- Then don't! – my voice cracked and my tears rushed out of my eyes.

- Aren't you scared?

About what? What did I need to be scared of?

- About the fact that you're the first woman that I've ever kissed?

I'm proud to be gay and I know it's about the sexuality and the gender that one is sexually attracted to. However, I hate it when people in this world have to come out and protest and shit if they identify themselves as a member of the LGBTIQ+ community.

I mean... you don't come out when you're straight, then why should we? When you like or love someone, you like the person, not the gender. When you love someone, you love to build a life, to make memories, to go through thicks and thins, the goods and the bads together, not to turn them into a reproducing machine to birth your kids.

Why is my gender so important? Yes, I'm a woman, so what?

She kissed me as a person, she didn't kiss my gender, am I wrong in anyway?

- Why is the gender so important, Skylar Blue? – I asked, my heart had never ached this much.

- I don't know. I just... I'm afraid that it's not going to work, or one day I might find out that I wasn't really attracted to you, it was just a one moment thing and I would hurt you. I just don't wanna hurt you, Meg.

- Can we at least try? Can we at least invest our time to work this out and then decide afterward?

It sounded like I was begging her, and I am not ashamed to admit that I was definitely trying to do so.

Pathetic? 100%.

Regret? 0%.

- There has to be a long process before the conclusion. Sky, you can't just conclude everything before you even start it.

I was so angry. She was a coward and was so selfish. I bet she didn't even think about me when she decided that. What would I do if she left without a word? How was I supposed to live and not knowing the answer to why she left me all of a sudden? What if I blamed myself for doing something wrong that I didn't even know of, and that's why she left? What about me?