Close to Destiny (A Magical Love Story)

Chapter 13

March 1

I thought I would never pick up this journal again, but I was wrong.

I started dreaming of Will. I know it's him even though I can't see his face clearly. I look at him through a haze in this place that's only familiar to me in my dreams—an ornate nineteenth-century sitting room. Everything is pale pink. There's a marble fireplace against one wall with a big round mirror over it. The other walls are covered with portraits, but I can't see them clearly either. Heat from the fire warms my cheeks. I know this place doesn't exist. If it does, well... that's pretty worrisome because I've never seen it in real life. Yet, I return here often when I'm in my deepest sleep. This is the first time Will is with me. I feel his lips against my neck, his hands running down my back.

Then it's over, and I'm left sitting in the real world.

No word from Destiny. It was like she'd dropped off the face of the earth. I'd returned to the tiny Soho apartment with Paul, and I was finishing up the final drawing for Gwen. It was for the recovery theme. She kept telling me I had to return for the second part of the exhibit, but I refused. I held these pages against my chest after re-reading what I had written. I hated myself for listening to Blanche. I should have known better. Every time I followed my sister's advice, I regretted it. Her advice led me back to the life I didn't want.

Paul slept soundly on our futon, unaware of my inner turmoil. I touched the golden hair that curled across his forehead. He smiled and rolled over. I looked back at the pages I had neglected during these past few weeks and tried to summarize the situation.

I was eating somewhat normally again. I accompanied Paul to the movies or to dinner parties at friends' apartments. I visited Blanche once a week and called Mom in Connecticut. Everyone thought my life was going fine. Everyone except me. If things were normal, I wouldn't be haunted by thoughts of Will. I also wouldn't let whatever Paul said go over my head as I had been doing. I wouldn't feel as if I was living with a stranger. I couldn't help being angry at Destiny about all of this. She'd dragged me into this situation and then abandoned me. OK, maybe I had been naïve to play into her games. I should have shut the door right from the start.

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