Close to Destiny (A Magical Love Story)

Chapter 16

March 18

The scent of roses perfumes the pink sitting room in the late-afternoon sun. I'm laughing as he tells me stories of his trips to Paris and Rome. Will. It's him. I can feel it, yet I still can't see his face. Without guilt, I savor buttery cakes with raspberry jam. Then, I admire the thin gold bracelet he places on my wrist. A gift. His lips are against mine. My heart is racing.

Then a buzzing sound breaks into this magical moment.

I groaned as I rolled over and heard Paul mumbling about how he hates getting up early. Once again, we were giving our relationship another try. But these dreams haunting me almost every night weren't making things easy.

Sam's words echoed in my ears now and again: "It's all an illusion." What was that supposed to mean anyway? I'd walked around the block a few times mulling the sentence over and over without reaching any kind of coherent conclusion. I needed to know more, to understand. 

And then, as I was lingering at the foot of our building, Paul appeared at my side with a bouquet of flowers and apologies. He'd been looking for me everywhere, until finally he saw me wandering around Union Square like a lost soul. So he followed me... back here. I collapsed into his arms. One more reconciliation among how many? Maybe a hundred?

Now we faced each other a day later over breakfast. We shared a pot of coffee, and Paul opened a box of doughnuts. He handed me a sugar-coated one, and I pushed it away with distaste.

"It keeps happening." He shook his head and let out an exaggerated sigh.

"What do you mean?"

"Kat, you're hardly eating. You can't continue like this or you'll end up in the hospital. Again."

"Paul, I'm fine."

But I knew he was right, and I was living on the edge. One more step and it—the anorexia—would be in control again. Giving me the impression that I was in control when really I wasn't. There, I'd said it. For the first time, that word entered my journal. It didn't scare me. It was hanging over my head, though, ready to deal a blow. There were days when I wouldn't eat. Then I realized the danger and forced myself to finish a meal. I wanted to starve myself, but I wouldn't. I refused to fall apart. 

Ironically enough, this diary was supposed to be about my illness in an attempt to pull me out of it, but that hadn't been the case until right now with these words. For once, anorexia had been in the background. Pushed there by Destiny, Will and everything that had been unfolding over the past several weeks. Maybe that was why I hadn't given in to the temptations of the illness that had been controlling my life for so long.

Paul looked at me with desperate eyes.

"You're right," I said. "There are days when I fail, but I make up for them on the following day. This disease won't go away overnight. It's not my choice, Paul, even though you think it is."

Tears streamed down my cheeks all of a sudden, and Paul held me close. For the first time in a long while, it felt good to be in his arms. This only made my situation more difficult.

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