losin control; c. yelich. ✔️

50.

Christian's schedule started to kick up again, meaning he was barely home with Eiley and Viviana, which ultimately stressed Viviana out. She needed him; She still felt so torn after losing their baby, she just wanted to be held. But, the guy that she wanted to hold her, was never home.

***

Viviana was in the kitchen, making Eiley lunch as she sat in her highchair, watching her mom. "Momma, Daddy at?" She asked Viviana, causing Viviana to turn around and look at Eiley.

"Oh, baby, daddy's working. He'll be home for dinner, hopefully!" Viviana replied, kissing the top of Eiley's head. "We're gonna have a mommy and daughter day! I'm making your favorites."

"Daddy bacation?" Eiley asked, thinking Christian leaving was 'vacation'.

Viviana laughed, "No, baby. He's just going to play some baseball! I promise he'll be home soon. It's gonna be like this a lot." She set a little plate in front of Eiley before checking her phone to see if she had any calls or texts from Christian; Nothing.  She just shook her head, locking her phone again and set it on the counter. It was growing old.

Christian got home late that night and Viviana knew he had gone out drinking after the game. She just sighed, opening her book back up to continue reading, avoiding initial confrontation with her husband.

"Hi, babygirl.." Christian said, taking Viviana's book out of her hand, setting it on the table, "I missed you a lot.." He told her, kissing her cheek, down to her neck as he got on top of her.

Viviana shook her head, pushing Christian off, "No way. You're tipsy, and I'm not just someone you come home to and fuck." She said, getting out of bed. "I'm really getting sick of this, Christian."

Christian looked confused, "What do you even mean? What are you talking about?" He asked, sitting up on the edge of the bed.

"You're always busy with baseball, like, busier than usual, then you're usually going out with friends after and coming home late and you're either too drunk to even speak, or you're just wanting to fuck me." Viviana said, crossing her arms across her chest. "It's not fair to me, and it's not fair to your daughter who wonders where you go.."

"Why is everything all of a sudden my fault? Because I have a career? You and I both went through this; My schedule is going to be chaotic during the baseball season, and we're not going to have enough time for one another all the time and we both have to be understanding of that," Christian explained, watching Viviana's body language change, noticing how tense she was getting.

She rolled her eyes, "Christian, it never was like this. Ever since I miscarried, you've been drinking a lot more again, you've been coming home late, you've been avoiding calls and texts, and you only want to have sex when its convenient to you." Viviana said as she leaned against the wall, "I don't know what you're thinking, and I don't really want to know, but at the same time I do, but, if you're stressed about me, stressed about our marriage, speak up."

Christian sighed, standing up as he went to stand in front of Viviana, "Being married to you has been some of the best couple months, baby." He grabbed her hands, "I'll admit, I'm stressed. I have been, I don't know why I resulted to alcohol again, I don't like putting my feelings on you, it's not fair to you,"

"And you're right. It's not fair to Eiley for me to be gone all the time, that's my little girl, and I don't wanna miss her growing up, I would hate myself for that." He admitted, kissing Viviana's hands gently.

"Christian, I am all ears for you anytime, you know that. I always will listen to what you have to say, if you wanna vent, if you wanna cry, anything, I seriously am here for you, baby.." She kissed his cheek, "We're married, and you're my best friend, I want nothing but the best for you. I just really wish you would talk to me more.."

He nodded, looking down at their feet before he took a deep breath, "I'm sorry that I get really touchy and it seems like I'm just using you for a quick fuck, because that's not it. You know how I get when alcohol is in my system. And yeah, I know, I can't entirely blame it on alcohol, because my brain is still functioning even when I'm drunk.." He sighed, shaking his head.

Viviana tilted his chin up, "Hey, I love you a lot, you know that right? Sure, we have our ups and downs, but, I always have you to lean on." She wrapped her arms around his neck, "We both took the miscarriage hard, because I definitely wanted another baby, and I know you were excited too. Our time will come, it just wasn't our time then.." She moved her arms, grabbing his hand, pulling him to the bed, "C'mon, let's go to bed, I'm tired and would appreciate if my man would be in bed with me."

Christian nodded, crawling into bed next to his beautiful wife. He hated himself for what he was doing; He knew alcohol was not the right coping mechanism and treating Viviana like she was just some object to fuck when he wanted, it wasn't fair to her at all. He was surprised she didn't just leave him and take their daughter with her.

His feelings were jumbled; He just wanted to make Viviana happy, and he felt like he wasn't doing that. This miscarriage took a toll on them both and made them just ache with heartbreak and grief. Christian imagined what it would be like raising two kids, seeing Eiley be a big sister, all these perfect scenarios ran through his head, but none of them would come true.

Viviana laid her head on Christian's chest as they laid in bed, watching whatever was on the television. "You okay..?" Vivi asked quietly, looking up at her husband, who just stared blankly at the television. "Christian..."

Christian looked at Viviana and nodded, snapping out of his thinking daze. "Yeah, just in my thoughts."

"What are you thinking about?" Viviana sat up, looking at him. "Are you still thinking about what happened?" She asked him, rubbing his arm, "Baby, I told you...None of this is either of our faults. It just happens, and it just so happens that I was the unlucky one. We're going to have another baby one day, life just decided that right now wasn't good for us." She told him as she watched his facial expressions as she talked.

"I know, just, hurts, y'know? Because I feel like I could've done something, there had to have been something I could've done." Christian told her.

"There wasn't, Christian. I didn't even know I had a miscarriage until I got to the doctor and there was no heartbeat..." Viviana admitted, this was the first time she was actually opening up about the miscarriage.

"I went in and I was looking forward to hearing the heartbeat and seeing the ultrasound pictures and my OB  was super quiet like moving the probe around my stomach and I had asked her what was going on, because I didn't see a baby in the ultrasound.." Viviana took a deep breath, shaking her head, "Then she just put the probe down and grabbed the one that helps us hear the heartbeat of the baby and she moved it all over and couldn't find a heartbeat. I think that's what broke me. It broke me hearing that there was no heartbeat. There wasn't anything I could do to prevent a miscarriage, it just happens sometimes..." She sniffled, "It really hurts.."

Christian rubbed her back, "I'm sorry, baby.." He sighed, "I didn't know that all happened...I feel horrible hearing about that.." He kissed her head, "It'll happen one day. We're gonna have a beautiful baby, and Eiley is gonna be an amazing big sister. And you're gonna be an amazing momma, I promise.."

Viviana nodded, looking at him, "Thank you for being so understanding and caring.." She said, kissing his cheek. "I really do appreciate you more than anything."

"I'm always gonna make sure you're okay and happy. I know you're going through a rough time, and you don't deserve that. But I'm always gonna be there for you..." Christian told her, pulling her close. He wanted nothing but the best for his girl, and seeing her hurt, hurt him. He knew she was taking this hard, and his behavior wasn't helping at all. He had to curve the way he was acting, for his sake, and for the sake of Viviana. The last thing she needed was to be dealing with Christian's drunk ass. He was done with that, he wanted to be better for Vivi.