FIRST PUBLISHED: OCT 5 2019
REWRITTEN: MAR 6 2021
EDITED: JUL 22 2021
EDITED (again): Aug 27 2023
(again, september 25 2023)
(and again, feb 15 2024)
CONTENT WARNING: vomiting, self harm, cutting, depression, suicidal thoughts
(March 6 2021 a/n: I had originally written this before I had actually done any self harm so I had no idea what the fuck I was talking about hahahha- yeah it was really unrealistic and exaggerated. This is a rewrite of what used to be here. the original chapter's at the end.)
Once again... I lay here in this cheap old bed... i'm still staring at the same old stupid ceiling... My blinds are still closed, as always... but the sunlight still manages to make its way around so I can never really have my room pitch dark like i want it. Every now and then my asthma would flair up and I'd have a coughing fit... my chest still hurts from the last one.
My mind is still rolling through the same reel of thoughts it's been going through the past 53 hours.
What should we think about? Roger again? Hmm... let's see... how about suicide... yeah that's a good one. let's think about suicide.
I almost shuddered at that thought... It always made me curl up into a tiny ball and shake... It was scary... but... would it really be all that bad if I compared it to my life as it is? I don't want to die... but... is there anything worse than the life I'm living now?
Roger... the only friend I've ever had... I've got a fucking crush on him for fucks sake. And he's straight. I can't live every day feeling this way...
It's torture...
not only that but he's probably found out... that's probably why he won't speak to me. Because he's just so disgusted by just the thought of me now. just the thought. the thought of me wanting to get into his pants probably disgusts him. It probably makes him sick. I bet he doesn't want anything to do with me anymore.
Anjelica... what if it was her? what if she's told him something entirely untrue about me? What if Roger believed it? Or what if Angelica did something to him and he really does want to speak to me?
The uncertainty of the situation spun rounds in my mind... it felt heavy... almost making me dizzy.
I felt so frustrated... so frustrated and angry that I couldn't even come to terms with myself and get off this stupid bed. I've been here for about 3 days... And I haven't moved... Not for food... not for anything.
And who would come to save me? Nobody was there by my side... If someone cared, I wouldn't feel this way. If someone cared, they'd talk to me. If someone cared, I'd know.
suicide?
did it really sound like a bad idea?
it would end all my suffering once and for all...
...
KILL YOURSELF
ROGER DOESNT CARE
DO IT
YOUR LIFE SUCKS
YOU SUCK
ANGELICA WON ROGERS LOVE
ROGER HATES YOU
HE HATES YOU
WANTS YOU TO DIE YOU DISGUSTING FAG
YOU FAGGOT
GO DIE
YOU ARE READING
𝕋𝕠𝕠 𝕄𝕦𝕔𝕙 𝕃𝕠𝕧𝕖 𝕎𝕚𝕝𝕝 𝕂𝕚𝕝𝕝 𝕐𝕠𝕦 ~ 𝕄𝕒𝕪𝕝𝕠𝕣
FanfictionCONTENT WARNING - Self-harm - S**cide - Emetophobia - Violence - Queer-targeted bullying Brian and Roger are both new students at a high school in 2019. they have a hard time fitting in, and are often mocked and beaten up for being gay. also, there'...
