𝐒𝐢𝐠𝐧𝐞𝐝, 𝐘𝐨𝐮𝐫 𝐁𝐢𝐠𝐠𝐞𝐬𝐭 𝐅𝐚𝐧

38. More Of It

Aívy

Sunday/November 1st, 1992/Barcelona, Spain

     How do you breathe when your reason is across an ocean? How could I do anything when our goodbye felt like a 1,000 days ago? In bed, lights off and curtains closed, I wondered if Prince was suffocating too. Did the distance hurt only me? It was all mechanics when he wasn't around. Wake, eat, smile, breathe, sleep.

Sometimes I wanted to hate him for putting me on the planes. Another red-eye, another sleepless night. I was jealous of the way he didn't need me. My dependency for him was becoming a dangerous thing. I played it off well when he'd call, as if I was okay, but I never was. Never was I okay with being apart.

During a press conference, a woman asked me if I missed him like they did. "From what we saw on the stage you two are very close, and this is obviously all new to you. So how does this feel? Being out here promoting his album without him?"

Caught off guard, there was hesitation hiding behind a smile. On my tongue's tip there was the truth and then there wasn't. "It's lonely," I said, sitting in the center seat of the long table surrounded by people, too drained to lie. "Very lonely."

Every night in my hotel I sat on the bed with my guitar. Writing was sleeping's alternative.

I love u

red heart turning blue

I love u

Wish I didn't have 2

     One more lonely night to go, I fell asleep with my guitar in my arms. The phone woke me hours into my sleep. Seeing the clock read "4", I knew it was him.

His greeting sounded off. A short 'hey' said a lot. "What's wrong?" I asked him, but he said it was nothing, just that he missed me. I didn't believe him.

Soon after he told me to go back to sleep. I didn't even try after putting the phone down. Blue heart bleeding, I wrote more love songs.

As he said he would, he called me again hours later when the sun was up my way. I was in a better mood, knowing in less than 24 hours I'd be with him again. "I can't wait to see you later tonight," I said. "I'm gonna rush through the hours. I want time to fly today...I hate missing you. It sounds crazy but...it literally hurts. I'm not ready for this. I don't want to do this anymore, without you. A day here and there is fine but sending me off for a week... Please don't ask me to do this anymore. It's not fun and it's uncomfortable being here when-"

"Baby?"

"What?" I answered softly.

"Do you wanna get married?"

"Wha-what?" I stammered, sitting up hand to chest.

"Will you marry me?"

"Babe..." Watering eyes, fear ached my bones. But I laughed it off. "When?"

"I don't know. As soon as possible."

"Are you serious?"

"Yes...very."

Talking to myself, I tried to keep calm. This wasn't how I imagined it. The proposal. It just didn't feel—real. And I don't mean that it felt surreal. I mean that it didn't feel genuine.