𝐒𝐢𝐠𝐧𝐞𝐝, 𝐘𝐨𝐮𝐫 𝐁𝐢𝐠𝐠𝐞𝐬𝐭 𝐅𝐚𝐧

39. The Invisible

Tuesday/November 2, 1992

Ten stories high on a hotel balcony, the temperature seesawing through the 30's, just numbing myself out in the night. That was me 24 hours after someone told me my name wasn't Aivanni. Everyone thought I should've felt relieved to meet my truth. Take your blessing and go. But instead it felt like everything was falling apart.

Earlier...

     I can't tell you how many times I woke up from the same nightmare. I kept drifting off into the same hospital scene. Mrs. Jenkins was there every time. But eventually Prince tightened his hold and said a little prayer for me. After 'amen' I was able to finally sleep for more than 15 minutes. I slept for hours—I think?

Up again I didn't wake to an empty pillow. My eyes opened to Prince's already in mine, his hand caressing down my cheek. Sitting up I asked what time it was. The windows were blacked out and only the fuchsia light burned against us.

"You can get more rest."

Not fighting him, I lied back down and closed my eyes. I wish I hadn't.

Behind my heavy lids it felt like my eyeballs were spinning a 360 every few seconds, and I could hear this buzzing sound with each go around. When my eyes did open I saw I was still in the pink light and I was staring ahead at the open bedroom door. I didn't see anything but darkness in the hall but I felt something was coming. And it was evil. So I screamed but no sound came out. I couldn't move. I could close my eyes but it made the feeling worse. I tried humming, moaning, doing anything I could to wake the man behind me.

In a split second I was shaken out of the horror. "Baby??" Prince was looking over. "You okay?"

"No." I was afraid to fall back to sleep, even with his chest to my back and arms securely over my waist. Danger was looming behind my eyelids and no matter how hard I tried I couldn't help but be pulled back under.

It was the same thing. But this time I heard the stairs creaking. Again, Prince woke me.

"Can we pray again?" I asked him. And we did. But after 'amen' I heard the buzzing. Frustrated, I sat up and cried. All he could do was hold me and do his best to offer comfort. But he couldn't protect me in my sleep.

With my face and balled hands nestled under his chin, I focused on the beating of his heart. Soon, it took me again.

Pushing through a door I was stepping out on a rooftop. Under the sun there was a girl standing on the ledge facing the busy world. Cautiously I approached her side and my lurking presence seemed undetected.

It looked as if her irises were bleeding because her tears were spilling blue down her pale freckled cheeks. I found a strange beauty to it.

The rough wind messed her brown hair and slightly rocked her body. I thought it'd kill her before she could. And I looked down. Cars sped by, horns honked, music played, people walked and no one saw her up here. No one noticed.

Boot first, I steadied myself on the ledge and joined her. If I could see them why can't they see me? As I swallowed the fear down my throat her cold hand latched onto mine. We went unnoticed together. We jumped.

Death wasn't as quick as I expected. The rough winds tore her away from me and tossed me on my back. I watched her suspended above me but the distance between us continued to grow. Violently flipped again I saw people down on the concrete. No one looked up. I screamed. The sinking in my stomach was never ending.