Feels Like Forever (A Johnnie Guilbert Fic)

Play The Victim

"You're the one always who falls apart, the one who plays the victim. Working on your latest tragedy when you should want to fix it."

I wish I told Johnnie the truth, the whole truth. I know what I did was stupid, I know I can't hide from it anymore. As much as I want to erase that part of my life, I can't, he knows. Well partially knows that is.

You see, let me explain. When my parents started earning all this money they started getting known around the area, around the city. No one knew me though, I wanted to change that. Middle School was right around the corner, so why not get my name out there and hang out with the popular kids? Yeah I had Adri and other friends, but I wanted to fit in with the other kids. As much as Adri tried to talk me out of this plan, I refused to listen. She gave up and went to her yearly trip to Mexico, leaving me to socialize with other people. Maya was my neighbor at the time, so I asked her to help me out. I spent most of my summer at parties Maya took me to. My parents of course were working a lot, so they never noticed me being gone. I met a lot of people that summer, including Matt. After meeting him, we sort of clicked and started going out. I was happy, I felt like nothing could ruin what I had.That is until that night. Brick was throwing a huge end of summer party, everyone was going to be there. Matt wanted to skip it, but I didn't. I wanted the attention, I wanted to go. We got into a fight about it and well he stayed behind while I went with Maya. I was mad at him for bailing, so out of anger I got drunk...too drunk. i really don't remember what happened, but the photos and videos that were posted online revealed what happened. I ended up making out with Brick, pissing off his girlfriend at the time and almost half of her friends. Matt eventually saw and dumped me right after. I was so embarassed and betrayed because Maya was the one who posted the pics. I immediately went to Adri after the incident, apologizing for not listening and being an idiot for being caught up with the idea of being popular. She forgave me, she was the only one who did. I hated all of them, this whole mess was their fault. Sure I had messed up big time too, but they posted those pics, they made me out to be this person I wasn't. And I had to deal with it at school. Once school started I ignored Maya and the rest when they tried to talk to me, acting like they had nothing to do with all this. They noticed and started bullying me, calling me a whore and said that I needed to be taught a lesson. The bullying was bad. Real bad. Adri had always protected me, she was the only one I had left, up until she was transferred out for fighting Maya and breaking her nose. That added fuel to the fire and hell broke loose once Adri was gone. The bullying went on and all I had at that point was music. Eventually I changed my whole appearence and of course bullying got even worse. Everyone thought I was just playing the victim. I was too afraid to tell anybody about the bullying in fear that my parents would find out about the incident at the party. Plus they had threatened to kill me if I told anybody. I reached my breaking point at the start of grade 8, after a whole school year and a summer of bullying and harrassment. I started self harming. I felt worthless, alone, and depressed. After my failed suicide attempt, well I stopped. Yes, I still had to deal with the bullying up until it was time to move. Adri and I had made a pact to never bring up what had happened, pretend it never happened. Once I moved to California and met Johnnie, I had no idea what to tell him when the topic of bullying and my past came up, so I made up a whole story. I know it was wrong, but never did I think this would come up again. I hate myself for what happened.

After spending the night miserable and wanting to disappear, Adri decided to drag me out of the house against my will. We went to New York, where we met up with Blake. Adri had explained what had happened and Blake suggested that we meet with her so they can help me clear my mind. But how can I? I broke the one guy I truly cared about's heart. I ruined the one good thing I had in my life for something stupid I did. I hated myself. I can't erase the image of Johnnie's hurt expression, I just can't.