Kiwi // H.S. // A.U.

Chapter Forty-Six

HARRY

I don't know what just happened.

I was standing, barefoot in the snow, frozen at the desperation of our safe word leaving her lips. Shock ran through me so powerfully that I didn't even see her drive away. I had never expected to hear that word come out of her mouth.

It meant she didn't feel safe.

I felt numb. Like nothing made sense. Everything had been different last night. Yes, she was dealing with a lot. Some stuff I hadn't even been privy enough to know yet, but she was handling herself. She had pushed her stress and worry down, and managed to have a good time.

Last night was monumental for us, like the night I first asked her to come home with me, that morning we came clean about our feelings, and our last night in the cottage. This was the next step in our relationship.

Our friends knew. My family knew. I was certain Emma's mom knew about us. There was no more reason to hide.

I was able to touch her last night. Kiss her in front of the whole world, and not care that anyone was watching. In fact, I wanted everyone to see us. Everyone needed to know that we belonged to one another. That she was mine, and I was wholly hers. She owned me.

She had fallen asleep before me last night, her eyes closing nearly the moment her head touched the pillow. I was desperate for sleep, too, but I was even more desperate to just look at her. To study her face when it was peaceful and serene. Like she had not a care in the world.

She was the most beautiful thing I had ever laid eyes on. Not a shred of makeup covered her face, and yet she was perfection.

Eventually, I did fall asleep, hugging her to my body, legs intertwined and my hand caressing her bare back. I knew when I woke up that everything was going to change, but I had no clue it was going to be like this.

I had thought I would wake up next to her, usually an earlier riser, and kiss her awake. I thought the first words out of my mouth would be "I love you". Then I would make love to her slowly and gently, making sure there wasn't a shred of doubt in her mind that she was the one.

But I didn't get that. I got an empty bed when I reached out for her in my sleep. It was still a little warm, so I knew she hadn't gotten up too early. And when I went downstairs, after a pep talk and quick practice on how I was going to tell her, the nerves started.

I wasn't necessarily nervous that she wasn't going to reciprocate. We both knew we were in love. That wasn't a question. I guess I had never told someone I loved them and knew it was going to be the last first time I said it.

Admittedly, I have only told two other people: my sixth form boyfriend and Carla. But neither of those two people had I meant it so deeply that I wasn't sure I could live without their love. If they left me, or rejected my love then it would've hurt, but wouldn't have crushed me.

If Emma didn't love me, then crushed would be an understatement.

I was so wrapped up in myself, my nerves and feelings, that I hadn't even noticed Emma falling apart right in front of me. I had only been able to look at her after I had heard the smallest whimper, and not the type that I begged for in bed, but the type when you were in pain.

That first gasp for air that I heard her try to suck into her lungs had been like a knife to my heart, slicing through me quicker than I ever expected it to. My eyes had quickly taken in her posture, fist clenching at my shirt she was wearing directly over her heart, tears falling down her cheeks, and eyes wide with fear.

I knew immediately she was having a panic attack, but she wouldn't let me touch he or help her. The sound of her scream when I had tried getting close to her piercing through to my soul. I don't think I had ever seen someone in so much pain.