Once Bitten, Twice Shy

Chapter 17

I am not a good person, not a good vampire, I admit that. In my long life and afterlife, I have done horrible things and thought of doing many more. It wasn't beyond me to torture people and feed on the innocents, and yet now, when the one person I have always been able to rely on walked away from me, I wish I was better.

If I am being honest, I wish I was born as a Healer. Maybe that way, I wouldn't have been able to do so many awful things and lose the one person whom I never want to disappoint.

When I was alive, motherhood never even entered my mind, but years I spent with Tobias taught me that, to me, he was the child I never had. All I ever wanted to do was protect him, and yet I've managed to hurt him more than once.

The problem is that he is so much better, humane than I ever could be and that is why he has never been able to fully understand me, my instincts, no matter how hard he tried. Perhaps that's the reason everything has gone so wrong.

It never even occurred to me that he will take this so badly, that he despises my protection so much. Having been unable to give him as much love as a mother would have, I have always tried to compensate by doing what I can, keeping him safe.

Even though I started this whole research for selfish reasons, helping him was still a part of the reason why I wanted to learn more.

We, vampires, are generally selfish, and putting someone else's needs before ours, is a bigger challenge than he could ever imagine. Yet, I always tried the best I could to put his needs, his feelings before my own. I've gotten mixed results, but I tried. Doesn't that count for anything?

I've lost control of myself so much that I've managed to hurt Seymour as well as Tobias, and that is not something I am proud of. It's just such a challenge to be something I am not, to control my more basic instincts.

I try to stop myself from sneaking glances at Seymour, who despite being hurt by me, is still there for me. However,  the need to do so is stronger than me. I wish I could be normal and thus avoid hurting the ones closest to me, but it's not easy.

"You know, you had every right to be angry at me. I left you when you were nothing but wonderful to me. I hurt you, and I deserved your anger." Seymour finally says.

His words annoy me. Does he have to prove to my already battered ego that even he is better than me? More humane?

Here he is apologizing to me, the monster who slaughtered his lover's family, and doesn't even have enough courage to confess. A creature who never even thought about the pain of those she murdered is the one whose behavior he is justifying.

Coward as I am, I would rather face the Vampire Council and all the vampires in the world than the sadness and anger that the truth would paint on Seymour's and Alarcos' faces. Why does the past have to define who I am now?

"You were trying to protect them from the unknown, I am sure Tobias will soon understand that and come to his senses," Seymour says.

"You know me well enough to know that's not the whole truth," I say.

"Yes, I know. I know that you had your selfish reasons for doing this, but don't we all? Do you think that even the best of people don't sometimes take advantage of the situation? You felt bad because they were so much better than you at controlling their urges, and you wanted to know why. That's nothing to be ashamed of." He says.

"I am not sure you would think the same if you knew the whole truth," I say.

"You mean the fact that you never truly trusted me and were taking advantage of me. I know. I have known since the moment you agreed to let me join you that it wouldn't be that easy to earn back your trust. I am not that naive to believe that you would just forgive and forget after I hurt you so badly." He says.

"Then why play along? Why didn't you confront me?" I ask.

"Because I wanted to make it up to you, to prove that I have changed, that you can count on me." He says.

Before I have the chance to say anything else or even confess that I am the monster Alarcos is looking for, Cecilia comes back.

"He just needs a moment. Although he understands why you did what you did, he still resents being treated like a child." Cecilia says.

"And you?" I ask.

"Helen, you know that I am barely dealing with being a vampire, knowing I was a member of some super secretive supernatural species is not something I was ready to hear before. Even now, I am not sure I am ready. I am not angry at you for this. In comparison to letting me murder a human, this is just a small bump in the road." She says.

"Oh, come on! You are still angry about that? It was just one human! What's one more dead human in the grand schema of things. Besides, I explained you would've slipped up anyway. I was just trying to help you do some damage control." I say.

"Helen," Seymour says, gently squeezing my hand.

Only then do I realize how worked up I have gotten. I need to keep my anger under control and remember that I am not mad at them. They don't deserve to suffer the consequences of my rage towards myself. I am an ancient vampire, I should know better.

"I am sorry, I am just a bit on edge. The tests were awful, and I've never been at odds with Tobias before. It's all so new and frustrating." I say, the only truth I can.

"We are not at odds, I am just a bit frustrated that you didn't come to me when you first learned of this, that's all," Tobias says entering the room.

It's funny how when my emotions run amock, my keen vampire senses seem to disappear, and I don't hear anything. I should've heard his approach much sooner, but I am such a mess these days that it's no wonder I am not my best vampire self.

"Well, that's a relief, because the last thing I want to do is hurt you, or make you feel like I don't appreciate you. You two were just so happy, and I didn't want to taint that happiness with some half-truths and crazy guesses." I say.

"I understand, but now that we know what needs to be done, let's learn the truth together. Whatever it all means, we can face it together." Tobias says.

"That sounds like a good plan. The five of us will be able to solve this mystery in no time." I say.

"Five of us?" Tobias asks.

"Yes, Seymour's ex offered to help out, and I think we could use a person we can trust to help us out, having in mind that we don't know what we are walking into," I say.

"Well, that does sound reasonable enough. When do we start?" He asks.

"We are a bit tired, and we agreed with Alarcos to meet up tomorrow. Will that be okay?" I ask.

"Yes, that sounds good," Tobias says.

With that problem solved, I retire to my room to fret about what I should tell Alarcos about the murderer of his family.