Once Bitten, Twice Shy

Chapter 18

My survival instinct is the strongest instinct that I have. It has helped me avoid taking unnecessary risks. Well, that is until I met Tobias. But even then, I have taken calculated risks.

What I mean is that when I saved his life, I knew I was stronger than those vampires, more vicious, there was no chance that they could hurt me. Even when we were saving Cecilia from Anja's clan, I knew that I was in no danger, none of those vampires were as good at murder and mayhem as I am.

This time it's different. If I tell the truth, Alarcos will try to slaughter me the way I butchered his family and having in mind how motivating revenge can be, I think he might succeed, no matter how strong I am. I don't want to die. I might deserve to, but I am ready to fight for survival, as any creature would.

On the other hand, it would be more than cruel for me to win the fight, to take away his existence, the only thing he has left after I took from him everything that he held dear. It would be even worse than what Stanton did to Cecilia, even worse than Anja's senseless revenge.

Perhaps the best solution for all involved is for me to keep my mouth shut. Still, I have to tell him something. After all, it was clear from the way I reacted that I knew something.

My only option is to tell him what I know but leave out my involvement in the feeding frenzy that lead to the death of his family. Perhaps it's not fair, but I don't think there is any good in him learning the whole truth. This way, he will get some closure, and I will be able to keep him as my friend.

More importantly, I will be able to avoid causing disappointment in Seymour's eyes or pain in Tobias' when he finally learns what kind of monster I am or that I can truly be. I am not ready to face Alarocos' hate either, and that's why I need to tell him limited truth.

Telling him about Aludracs is enough. It will help him close that horrible chapter of his life without condemning me.

With that decision made, it is easier to relax, to have some sleep before the big day ahead, the day I, I mean we, finally learn the truth.

It feels like I've closed my eyes for one second, and already I can see the light coming into my room. I need to talk with Alarcos alone before we start on our new adventure of discovery. That way, I'll be able to put my nerves to rest and get ready for the challenges that lay ahead.

I sneak out of the house before anyone has the time to question me because I need to do this by myself. It's bad enough that I am about to lie my head off, I don't want to have any more witnesses than necessary.

I can sense Alarcos' scent in the air, he is close, which makes my job easier. I don't have to look for him using my superb tracking abilities.

"Helen, I wasn't expecting you yet. Where are Seymour and your friends?" He asks.

"They are still at home. I wanted to talk with you before we all met because I thought you might want some privacy." I say.

"You know something about my family?" He asks.

There is so much hope and pain in his voice that I feel horrible for what I am about to do. I try to convince myself that I am doing this for everyone's good, but the truth is it's all about me. I am doing this for me.

"I think I've connected the dots, and I know who killed your family," I say.

"Who is it? Where can I find them? How can I kill them?" He asks with enthusiasm for murdering that surprises me no matter how justified.

"His name was Aludracs," I say.

"Was?" He asks with what seems like a disappointment to me.

"Yes. We've had some disagreements, so I killed him." I say, trying to be as vague as possible.

"That must have been one huge disagreement," Alarcos says, shocked by my revelation.

"Alright, yes, it was more than just a regular disagreement. He is the one who turned me, and not only that, he used me, tricked me into believing that he cared about me, while all he ever wanted to do was take advantage of me." I say.

I am doing my best to be as honest as possible without revealing my dark secret, and it's working rather well.

"So, he was a real monster, and you put him down?" He asks.

"Yes?" I say more like a question than an answer to his question.

Suddenly, he envelops me in a firm hug, and I am lost for words. I don't know what to say or do, so I just stand there like a statue letting him see me as a hero and not the villain that in this situation I truly am.

"Thank you so much for making him pay for what he did to my family. I wish I could have been the one to make him suffer, but I am happy to know that he paid for his crimes." He says.

"That he did," I say, avoiding to look him in the eye as he releases me from his grateful hug.

Soon enough, his expression changes from joy to confusion, even sadness. I can't understand how or why such a sudden change appeared.

"What is it? What's wrong?" I ask.

In reality, I fear that I've said too much, that he has figured out the role I played in the death of his family. I know it's selfish, but I can't change who I am so quickly. I have put myself first for so long that it's a challenge to put anyone else, besides Tobias, first.

"Nothing. It's just that I have spent my whole life and the afterlife looking for revenge. That was the purpose of my life for centuries. It was all that I ever knew, all I ever wanted, and now that I have it...I just feel empty. I thought I would feel better once I knew that justice was served." He says.

I feel I should do something to make him feel better since I am too much of a coward to tell him the whole truth. He needs to know that existence is possible even without revenge as the driving force.

"Revenge is never as satisfying as we believe it to be. I know better than anyone else. I murdered my maker with my bare hands, and yet nothing could erase what he did to me, how I felt. It didn't fix anything. What makes the pain decrease is opening one's heart to positive emotions. Once I did that, it helped some of the wounds heal. Although it did create some new wounds, it was worth the effort, it made me feel alive again." I say.

"I don't think I am ready for that, but it does sound more constructive than the constant need to make someone pay for my current state." He says.

"Maybe this little quest of yours will help take my mind off things." He adds.

"I am sure it will," I say.

Soon enough, the others join us, and after brief introductions, we are ready to set off into a new adventure.