The Last Time I'll Write About You || Yeonbin

Entry #18

It's been a while since I last wrote something that involves you.

I've been preoccupied these days. I kept myself busy with sketching designs after I found my sketchpad at my office about two weeks ago.

I was cleaning and sorting out stuff once I came back to work and I somehow stumbled upon it, resting right at the bottom of my drawers, hidden by a lot of other useless things I used to just throw in there.  It reminds me of how much I loved creating and mixing different styles that I wasn't able to do for a long time because I've been working with other things like organizing events for the firm. And since I was refrained from heavy workloads because of my health, I found time to try it again.

The very second the tip of my pencil pressed down on the blank canvas, it immediately brought out how much I missed doing it. The familiar strokes and outlining and adding different details coursed back to me that I got baffled for a moment as to why did I ever stop. And since it's pretty much easy for me to fall back in love with designing, I simply got lost to it and I ignored everything for days.

It was going smoothly just fine, helped me a lot with distracting myself and not think about you. My mind was just filled with ideas and vivid pictures of outfits I craved to create instead of the memories of you.

Everything was great. It was fine. I was fine.

Until today.

It was my fifth cup of coffee, I think. In the dead of the night, at 2am, when most people are asleep and wandering in their dreams, I was there, using the dim light of the lampshade of my working table, working on something that was supposed to be the physical image of my idea for a garment.

But then it was too late when I realized those aren't what they're supposed to be, Soobin.

They're not the designs I'm supposed to be working on. They're not the ones I'm supposed to use to distract myself.

Soobin, they're nothing like that.

All this time I was fooling myself.

Those pages were just filled with sketches of you.

Of you from my memory.

Of you from my imagination.

Of you from what I think it's supposed to be.

Of you from what I wish I could still see for everyday but then I realized the eyes that were staring back at me were not from you.

Those were just made by me because I fucking miss you and I still fucking long to be with you and see you and it's not helping me in any way but what can I do, Soobin?

I still can't get over you.

No matter how hard I try.

I still can't.