The Last Time I'll Write About You || Yeonbin

Entry #22

Do you ever get this feeling like something heavy was forming inside your throat and your trying your very best to say something but you couldn't and all you could do was swallow hard even though your mouth was running dry?

Do you ever feel like you had just ran a marathon and you were trying really hard to catch your breath because all the air inside you felt like it got knocked out?

Do you ever feel as if the world stops spinning all of a sudden and you felt dizzy and you can't think straight and your vision couldn't focus on a single thing because everything was moving around you?

Does your heart feel like it drops to the pit of your stomach just for the mere mention of my name?

Do you want to yell out loud when someone ask about us but you can't give an answer because your tongue got tied so all you could do is scream in the inside?

Do you feel all of these too, Soobin?

Do you also feel like your world is crumbling down when you think about our memories together and realize we couldn't be like that anymore?

Because I fucking do.

And I thought I don't anymore because it's been seven long goddamn months without you so why do I still feel like you just left yesterday?

I went to a friend's party today, you know. I went there, all dressed up, wanting to feel good after a while. I had this goal in mind to let loose and just have fun.

I was talking with people— some of them were acquaintances and some were strangers. I even managed to make new friends.

I danced.

I sang along out loud with the music blaring.

I drank a few bottles of alcohol.

I almost kissed a stranger, Binnie.

But I didn't.

I didn't because I can't.

I can't go around and kiss someone knowing that it isn't you.

I don't want to.

I left the guy in there, alone and hanging in the kitchen without even saying I was sorry because I wasn't.

Why would I be sorry? He's not you.

And so with my drunk mind I walked out of there, stumbling my way out in the front porch when I bumped into some of our common friends we weren't really that close with.

And they really just had to ask me about you, don't they?

So I told them we broke up.

Broke my heart again.

Soobin you should've seen the look on their faces. They couldn't believe it and they even accused me of joking and thought I was so drunk that I was rambling nonsense.

But then I told them it was real and they shut up for a minute or so, I don't know, it was total silence.

And then everything got totally blocked out when they asked me why.

I couldn't hear anything other than their question why and it repeatedly echoed inside my head until the pain sobered me up.

They were waiting for me to say the reason, Soobin. I almost laughed if only I could speak up and didn't froze like a complete idiot.

How am I supposed to answer them when even I, myself, don't even know the reason why you left me?

Did you really have to do that this way?

Did you really have to leave without explaining anything and make me wonder why every single day?

Did you really have to make me question everything, Soobin?

Do you hate me that much?

Why must you have to be this cruel?

Why must you hurt me like this? Why do you have to make sure I feel pain even when you're gone?

Do you feel this way too?

God, I fucking hope you do.

I know it's horrible of me to ask for this but I fucking hope you're tortured too.

I hope you also don't have this easy.

I hope you feel pain every time you think of me.

I hope you taste the bitterness at the tip of your tongue when you mention my name.

I hope you're not handling everything well and that you're convinced the agony will only stop when you return back to me.

Because Soobin I know I will only stop hurting when you're here again, with me.