The Last Time I'll Write About You || Yeonbin

Entry #25

A year.

It's been a year.

And I'm still the same fool.

The same fool who's in love with you.

All the people around me keep on saying that I should let you go. That I should get over you. That I should divert my attention on something else or to someone else.

But I don't want to.

I know I should listen to them— it's for my sake but somehow I couldn't bring myself to do just that.

It's just that— I don't want to force myself to get over you because I know the pain would only hit me twice harder when I realized I couldn't.

I want the time to help me ease the pain.

I want the time to naturally remove you.

But then it seems like the time is taking its bittersweet time in trying to erase you.

Soobin, it's been a year but I still find myself asking from time to time.

Just why do we have to end up this way?

I want to ask you a lot of things, you know? But the more I dwell on it, the more questions I get.

I could still remember that day crystal clear from my memory. It's more visible right now because it's the exact same day and the exact same pain it's making me dizzy.

I remember your tight embrace. You just suddenly wrapped your arms around me so tight I was startled. I asked you what was wrong, do you remember?

Maybe I shouldn't have.

It was the night of autumn, at our favourite place. The wind blowing softly as we watched the city lights from above. We had the whole city on the palm of our intertwined hands, Binnie. I should've known you were going to let go of mine.

We were standing there, at the rooftop of this one place which name we can't even pronounce. I was looking down at the city, I remember how beautiful it was from my eyes. The moving colours, the blinking lights, the night sky and you by my side.

You all of a sudden turned me around and hugged me, didn't you Binnie?

It was so tight, so warm, so safe.

Why did you have to let me go after that?

You didn't even let me know that would be the last time.

Why are you so unfair?

You had your head buried on my neck, your arms around my waist, it was so tight it never crossed my mind that you would let go because it felt like you were so scared to do so.

Soobin I told you to tell me what was wrong, but you shook me off.

You should've told me, you know? Then maybe I wouldn't have to question myself every single time.

It took quite a while before you let go. You held my face, your fingertips tracing gently on my cheek as you smiled down on me. And were those tears in your eyes, Binnie? Or were those in mine?

You kissed me then, but it was quick.

I should've known something was bothering you because you never kiss that fast. It was like you just pressed your lips on mine— like on impulse and then you realized you weren't supposed to.

Am I right? Were you refraining yourself from kissing me because it would change your mind?

Then I should have taken things by my own hand and kissed you until you change your mind.

Wouldn't let you walk away.

Soobin right after that  hurried kiss you whispered—

You whispered, “I'm sorry”

Looking back, what were you sorry for? For having to leave me? For having to break me? For having to walk away without saying the reason why? For having to end things between us and making sure I couldn't forget?

Is that what you were sorry for?

Soobin you just suddenly let go of your hold on me and said “goodbye” like every single thing we did was a joke to you.

Did you plan that?

Was it your plan to tell me you love and then walk away? Soobin you don't walk away from the person you love and leave them hanging and questioning why.

It still hurts. So fucking much.

I couldn't even chase after you because I was so shocked I didn't see it coming that my mind shut down and I didn't know what to think because you weren't kidding and all I could see was your footsteps walking away from me.

It still breaks my heart, do you know that?

But I won't cry.

I know you don't want me to.

I'm sorry it took me this long to recall how much you hate it when I cry.

So I won't.

At least, I'll try not to, anymore.

But Soobin, just know that I still love you so mu—

“Yeonjun hyung?”

The male let go of his hold on the pen he's using to write upon the mention of his name. He has a frown on his face out of confusion as he shots his head up and turns around.