The Last Time I'll Write About You || Yeonbin

Entry #24

The clothes you left are starting to lose your scent, Soobin.

Your traces around my apartment are also slowly fading.

I should be glad about it but, I am not. Maybe it's because a part of me is still waiting for you. Maybe this part is still not ready to let you go even though I'm trying so hard to convince myself that I am.

It's just— I still find myself going back to the past from time to time. I couldn't help but recall how we were before everything went down into this.

I know, it's pathetic. But my heart still tries to chase you, you know? Even if it's only the memories I'm holding onto.

Soobin, remember when I'd always show up at your front door unannounced when I have a rough day? You would have this look of surprise on your face each time but it'll quickly turn into concern the moment you'd notice my distraught appearance. I didn't even have to ask for an embrace because you would always instantly understand and engulf me into your arms. We would then sprawl ourselves onto your couch with you running your fingers softly into my hair to comfort me. You wouldn't ask about how terrible my day might have been because you know I don't like to talk about it and instead, you would do your best to turn it around.

Soobin, you always held me really, really tight, remember? You wouldn't let go until you're sure I'm finally feeling better.

I miss that so fucking much, Bin— so much.

I miss the way you wrap your arms around me and the way you pull me in closer to you. How you would squeeze me so tight as if you were scared to let me go. How your hand would draw comforting patterns onto my back and how you would press my face down to your chest and hold the back of my head to make sure I would feel warm.

Soobin, I miss that warmth so, so much— you have no idea.

If I had known that, that would be the last time I'd feel your presence near me, I would've hugged you really, really tight. I should've thrown my arms around you, have my face buried into your neck and have your scent engraved in my mind.

If I had known you were planning to walk out of my life that day, I would have held your hand real tight, Bin, real tight and not let go. I should've kissed you longer and harder so that you'd know how much I love you. I should've told you that— should've told you how deep you got me in love with you. I should've repeated it a million times so my voice would echo inside your head and you'd never forget it because it would haunt you even in your dreams.

I should have never let you walk away like that.

If only I had known then maybe everything would still be the same. I would still probably have you right beside me, cuddled up on the bed as we share soft kisses and tender touches instead of me having tears streaming down my face.

If I had chase after you then maybe I would still see your smile with your eyes forming hundreds of constellations the way they always did every time you looked at me.

Soobin, If only I had known, I would've never let you finish what you were saying and just cut you off with a kiss and a whisper of how much I love you.

If only I had known.