Idolize Me

Chapter Thirty-Four

It has been almost a year (yikes) since I last updated this book, so here is a mellow chapter before we dig back into the emotional trauma :)

Chapter Thirty-Four 

Ezra and I have spent the next few weeks together. Either in his dorm, or my own, we were hardly apart. I didn't mind the rumors that began to go on, as Ezra would once again accompany me during lunch, and we would walk to our classes together. It was true, we did look like a couple, but I still wasn't sure if that's what we were or not.  

Sure, we kissed sometimes, but I was too scared to flat out ask him if we were actually a thing.

The last thing I wanted was to make things awkward, even if we literally shared the same bed every single night.

Despite sleeping in the same bed together every night, he still only kisses me once a day. I'm not sure if he's too scared to kiss me more, or if he genuinely doesn't want to. I sometimes ask myself if he's even attracted to me, and instead only attracted to the companionship I bring.

I don't like dwelling on it, but God, I do.

We lay silently in his bed. The light is kept on and I don't dare ask him about it. I check the clock on my phone which read 11:09 p.m., and I can't fall asleep. I don't think he can either, because I catch him staring at the ceiling.

I start to sit up, but he reacts so quickly that I don't have time to process what he does until he does it. He snakes his arm around my waist, pulling me down almost on top of him, refusing to let me go.

"Don't leave." He breathes, and I struggle to get the words out.

"I won't."

We are staring at each other so intently; I lose my focus on anything else. Our faces are inches apart, and I hate how he makes me so blind to everything else. I never understood it before, back when Ezra and I first met. Everyone looked at him like he was the only good thing in the world, and I never understood it.

Now, I can't stop myself from thinking the same, and I know that's wrong because he isn't good, I mean he's not bad, but he's certainly not good. The way he acted towards me when we first met was wrong, it was unacceptable, he was not a nice person.

But to me, right now, he's the only good, and I hate that, but I breathe it in too. I accept it so willingly that I can't comprehend anything else. I don't know if it's just a natural emotion that his status gives to others, but it's seems only right.

I don't agree with his actions most of the time, but I adore him anyway and I don't understand it at all. He was so cruel to me, but having his arm wrapped around me like this, has made me forget our bad history completely.

I lean my head against his chest, and his heart picks up, beating quicker and quicker, and I love that I can make him feel this way.

"You smell nice." I tell him, because I don't know what else to say, and because it was the truth.

"You don't smell very nice."

"Thanks."

"I prefer it that way."

"That doesn't make me feel better."

He gives a slight smile, but it vanishes quickly, and I know something is bothering him tonight, he's never clung to me so tightly, but I don't know how to approach him and ask about it without him shutting me away completely.

He may have all the power and status in the world, but he still was nothing more than a scared animal, and I wish he would trust me more.

Then again, I'm also the only person he even remotely trusts at all.