Love On The Brain

Apprehensive

What was happening with his life?

Things are supposed to be getting better. He was going to be getting a quirk! His dream to become a hero was finally within an arm's reach and yet he just feels like shit.

What was wrong with him?

Was he really that defective of a human that he couldn't find joy in being a chance to live his dream?

He's been avoid his soulmate which has had him feeling like a shitty person and then he feels like a burden to Toto and his family when he goes to sleep over to avoid his mom which has him feeling like an even shittier person. Like who avoids both their soulmate and their own mother?

Yeah, okay. He understands and sees that maybe how they treat him aren't the best but shouldn't that just mean that he has to try to help them? Avoiding them and ignoring them when they talk to him won't help them. Leaving them on their own every chance he gets? What kind of soulmate, what kind of son does that?

Toto can tell him that he's not doing anything wrong as much as he'd like but it doesn't change how he feels. He feels like an even bigger disappointment than before. He's hiding things and keeping secrets. He's sneaking around and meeting up with people that, not even two months ago, he'd never seen on anything other than a computer screen. He felt like he was doing wrong and he didn't know how to fix it. It just hurt when he thought about it and he wasn't supposed to work out longer than what was worked out in the schedule All Might gave him.

All Might told him that for optimal results to get his quirk in a time span that wouldn't hurt him too bad, he had to follow the schedule as close as he could manage. He's been given him, what All Might called, an allowance to get the food he needed for the diet he'd been put on for muscle building and weight gain. All Might had also taken him to get new clothes and shoes to work out in since he didn't have anything that would allow him proper mobility, warmth, or traction. He tried to convince the man that he had everything he needed but he wouldn't take no for an answer and just told him was apart of being his apprentice. Told him he needed certain things to help him succeed in his goals.

He appreciated it and in fact cried himself to sleep later that night at the man's generosity and kindness. The man was really doing his best too make sure that Izuku had the proper tools to achieve his dreams. Up to that point all he'd had to keep hope was Toto telling him and encouraging him that as long as he worked for it he'd be able to do it and prove everyone wrong. He loved Toto more than words could describe but what he said was just that, words. He was appreciative but after a while the words lost their motivation and inspirational feeling. The words felt more repetitive than they were coming out. He felt like Toto felt obligated to tell him those things, to be his friend, to do all he's done.

How could he think about it in any other way when Toto looked at him like he was so fragile and ready to break at any moment. Okay so maybe sometimes he was ready to break and he actually did on a few occasions, but he was stronger than what it seems Toto gave him credit for. He just wants to be able to be strong enough for his best friend to not worry so much over him.

He hated how he sounded like an unappreciative asshole in his head. Here he was with someone who actually gave a flying frick about him and all he wants is for the guy to not fret over him as much as he is currently. He has just been able to interact with his friend and all he wants is a little space. He doesn't want to stay at his house more than he already does because all the added bruises and small slashes make his new workout routine had to complete without harming himself further, so he doesn't say anything to Toto about taking a step back so he feels like he's using Toto to escape his home life and that's the last thing he wants to do but he doesn't actually know what to do because this is all new to him and he doesn't want to lose his best friend because he loves him more than anything and he thinks it might be the wrong kind of love beca he already has a soulmate that he in some kind of relationship with so that make him feel like he's subconsciously cheating on Kacchan but he's not entirely sure what he and Kacchan really are outside of being soulmates because he's really truly starting to revert back to how he used to think before he almost died about Kacchan not actually loving him because just like All Might said to him 'Love isn't supposed to be painful, Young Midoriya' which really got him to thinking about how every single time he's with his soulmate Kacchan he's in nothing but pain one way or another which in and of itself is tiring and Izuku is so tired of everything going on in his life with his mom hating him and Toto smothering him in affection and kind words and Kacchan trying to literally smother him to death in hopes of being rid of his useless quirkless soulmate in exchange for a better quirk filled one and All Might who he hasn't really seen outside of training and the trips to the grocery store he insists on going on with him so All Might isn't really stressing him out like everyone else and he actually wishes he could be around the man more often but the life of the number one pro hero of all Japan has him insanely busy which Izuku understands completely but it still-