Heart of Gold | B. Gold ✓

03 | Fucking Worthless

Fawnie did not want to see Michael, she felt too cowardly to do so. If she had acted a wee bit quicker, then perhaps she'd be the one looking like swiss cheese. Carved open with bullet wounds the size of Tom's glasses.

He was badly injured, that much she knew... the sight of him on the ground was engraved in her mind like a carving in a stone wall. Permanent, to never leave the expanse of her mind ever again.

But she knew she had to see him at some point, what kind of cousin would she be if she ignored him until he was better? All she knows is that it would be an asshole move to neglect to see Michael. That's how she found herself outside of his hospital room. The Peaky Blinders assigned to watch him were asleep in their chairs.

Fawnie slammed the door to Michael's room closed and the men bolted up, waking immediately. "Who said it was nap time?" She asked sarcastically and they shook their heads ashamedly, "Get out." Once the men were gone, Fawnie forced herself to meet Michael's eyes.

He looked beyond exhausted, "Hey, doe..." Michael mumbled and a small smile made its way onto her face, she moved the chair closer to the bed. 

"I'm sorry, Michael. For not visiting sooner. It's just that–" 

Michael shushed her and took her hand that rested on the bed, "It's fine, I promise." He coughed and winced, which prompted Fawnie to begin asking him if he was okay. "Yea, mostly..." The dry laugh was short, she knew it hurt from the silent cringe that adorned Michael's face before he forced a neutral expression once more.

The sun shone through the windows and warmed the room up slowly, "I know– how close you and he were, Fawnie..." She was astounded by how Michael picked up on her dislike of hearing John's name. Fawn even avoided thinking his name, resorting to constantly thinking 'he'. "And I've got to know, are you alright?" 

She wanted to nod and say, 'Why yes, of course. Why wouldn't I be?' But she just shook her head no as the tears began to build up in her eyes. She chewed on her bottom lip aggressively and stared at the white sheet on the bed, not wanting Michael to see the emptiness behind her eyes. 

It was not new by any means, but lately, it seemed that the void in her soul was much larger. As if John took a part of her with him and the smoke as he traveled to heaven. Fawnie couldn't bear to look at herself anymore, seeing nothing more than a coward and useless fuck. She ended up covering the mirror in her room with an old coat.  

Her cousin allowed her to cry freely, just squeezing her hand every now and then to remind her that he was there. "I feel so fucking worthless, Michael. I could have done so much more, but I was– paralyzed. It was like that time I hit my head on the alleyway wall and all I could do was wail like a baby. I could have jumped in front of–"

"Fawnie," She stopped rambling through the tears, looking up at Michael with blurry eyes. "There is nothing wrong with you, you aren't useless. Just because you did nothing doesn't mean you did nothing, you saved Esme by pulling her back. Stop letting the guilt own you and start owning it." 

"I'll try," Fawnie promised with a nod.

Michael gave his little cousin a smile, "That's all I can ask of you,"

━━━━

Fawnie pets the horse slowly, wanting to cherish the feeling of its softness. It has been a while since Fawn has touched something as soft as this horse, she doesn't recognize it. The pattern on its body wasn't rather unique, Fawn has seen something like it a million times from too many trips to the races. 

Mostly brown with a few white splotches here and there, simply beautiful. "You're a beautiful horse, you know that right?" She manages to coo at it, masking the grief in her voice with enthusiasm, hoping to make the horse's day. Fawnie begins scratching behind its ear and it snorts lightly, "Do you like that?" She asks the horse, knowing she won't get an answer but enjoying speaking to something.

After her visit with Michael, Polly spoke to him and brought Fawnie to Charlie's Yard. Apparently Tom wants everyone to have a proper Christmas dinner. Fawn, upon hearing that, chucked it up to be a load of bullshit. Knowing that Tom has ulterior motives, he always does. A knock on the stable doors makes Fawn turn around, the sight of someone she doesn't know startling her.

"Who the fuck are you?"

She reaches for her knife before the boy can cause any harm to her or the horse. He catches onto what she's doing and puts his hands up in surrender, Fawnie just raises her eyebrows, "Hey, I'm no Italian. Don't worry, I'm on your side." Fawn notes the accent, not American...

"Prove it." She says, hand not leaving her knife handle. 

The boy shakes his head and points at the horse, taking a step forward, Fawnie pulls the knife and he stops, "That's my horse, Ginger, her name is. Wouldn't it be strange to have an enemy's horse in your stables?" Damnit. Fawnie curses in her head, he was right.

"I... I suppose." Fawnie slowly slides her knife back into its case, stepping away from the horse just to put some distance between herself and the stranger.

"My name's Bonnie," Bonnie sticks his hand out to shake and Fawn's jaw tenses, she considers the possibility of him hurting her. She can't see if he's well built or not under his clothes but from the soft glow in his brown eyes, to his friendly smile, Fawn decides to shake his hand.

The size difference between their hands isn't much, Fawn was graced with her mother's big hands so she feels confident of her handshake. "Fawnie, Fawnie Shelby."

He raises his eyebrows, "You're the lass that stuck it to Mr. Shelby? It makes sense that you're related. I didn't take him for the type to let people scream in his face, let alone slap him!" Fawnie finds herself giggling at Bonnie's surprise, it feels weird, laughing again.

Maybe because Bonnie's a complete stranger that's why she feels like it's easy to laugh with him, or maybe it's because he doesn't look at her like she's a monster. Bonnie smiles at Fawnie and retracts his hand, "Props to you, my dad has been laughing his arse off ever since..." 

AUTHOR'S NOTE.

Thank you all for 500+ reads! I've gotten a few chapters prewritten so the update schedule shouldn't be too sporadic! I'm thinking every five days to a week I'll update! Have a wonderful week xx Things will turn up for Fawnie soon