Heart of Gold | B. Gold ✓

06 | Italians Watching

Fawnie stared at the printed wallpaper on her wall, she sat on her bed silently, holding herself. It seemed that the only position she liked these days was one of cradling herself like a baby... almost as though if she let herself go, she'd fall apart. An unsolvable puzzle waiting for someone to piece it back together.

The faded red flowers morphed into something more sinister, the red of John's blood soaking his white shirt on Christmas. Fawnie felt a strange understanding with the phrase her brother's often said in times where their lives seemed to be over. In the bleak midwinter. She thought, oh how bleak this year's midwinter seemed.

In Birmingham, winter seemed to stretch far past February and well into mid-April before the humidity picked up once more. 

Ever since the attack at the paint shop, she's refused to move from her room, finding solace in the small space with only one tiny circular window as a way in. A chair was pushed up against the door when she slept, it made her feel secure, and her tall wardrobe was moved in front of the aforementioned window.

Now her room resembled that of a dank cave, the only light coming from the candle that sat upon her desk. Fawn's body seemed to be vibrating, it wasn't intentional. Much like when someone's leg bounces under a table when they're anxious or in a hurry, but Fawn was in no hurry. In fact, all she wanted is for everything to slow down. 

So she could take a breath. To regain consciousness and hopefully rejoin the land of the living. Because Fawnie felt positively lifeless. As if killing the Italian took her with him into the shadow realm where John now lived. 

A strange sound met her ears, a low, moan of pain and she couldn't figure out where it was coming from until she felt her throat and small vibrations moved through the cold skin... the sound of deep-set horror was coming from her, coming from Fawn's subconscious. The horrifying reality that Fawnie Shelby killed a man.

She stole the breath from his lips and took him from his family. The realization caused Fawnie to squeeze her eyes shut but the sight of the man lying in a pool of his own blood forced her to reopen her eyes immediately. She jumped off of her bed and paced the small space of her room, breathing fast and heavy, her head began to feel light as her face slowly contorting to that of a face of pain.

The urge to scream was bubbling under the surface but she stifled it, not wanting to worry her aunt Polly. Not that it was possible for the older woman to not worry about Fawnie and her deteriorating mental state. Even Fawn was conscious of how she lacked any color in her cheeks as she used to.

Or how her Shelby blue eyes were as dead as Thomas'. They resembled his matching eyes when Fawnie announced that Winifred Shelby met her tragic end. She could remember that day in perfect detail, how Winnie told Fawn not to tell anyone where she was... and being a good little sister, Fawnie agreed. She just wanted to be liked by Winnie.

Fawn remembered how long she cried after Winnie's passing... and how more often than not, it was John who held her in his arms as his baby sister lost her mind. In one day, Fawnie lost more than she ever did. Two people who helped Fawn become who she was were swooped away by the fates.

Silent tears poured out of Fawn's eyes as she dropped onto the floor, it stung her knees but she deserved it. In Fawn's mind, she deserved some pain... just like Thomas did... as her whole family did. How many people have they ruined? How many lives have they taken and how many families have been broken up by the hands of the Shelby Clan?

She laid in a crumpled pile, the pose resembled that of a child's pose but Fawn's arms crossed over her chest. Fawn ignored the pounding on her door and just let herself wallow in peace. Soon after, she fell asleep on the floor.

━━━━

When something shuffled near Fawn, her eyes shot open and she jolted up from the bed, her forehead collided with that of her brother's and they both winced loudly. Fawnie hissed through her teeth and brought a hand up to ease the pain, luckily for her, these days her hands are always icy. 

"Fuck," Finn cursed before Fawnie hit him upside his head. "Ow, the fuck was that for?" He demanded with a whiny tone. Fawn looked toward the door begrudgingly and Finn caught on quickly. "We heard a bang but when we finally pried the door open you were sleeping on the floor. Tommy moved you to the bed."

The thought that Thomas touched Fawn made her want to shower desperately. Not to wash away his touch, but to cleanse the redeemable parts of her soul of his aura. Fawnie isn't very religious but she takes matters of the soul very seriously and if someone has a bad vibe, then she won't mess around.

Call it her Shelby Nature, her innate ability to detect if something is off. Call it g-word witchcraft, whatever the fuck it is, lately, Tom's felt completely off. As if he's changed into a whole new person under his family's noses. Finn cleared his throat as Fawn stared at him blankly, she didn't feel like talking.

She hasn't felt like talking for a while, finding it pointless, "Isiah and I were wonderin' if you wanted to go out with us. You don't have to drink... but we think... it might do you some good to let loose."

"There are Italians watching our every move. And you boys want to get drunk?"

Her twin shook his head no, "There'll be a shit ton of Peaky Blinders around, it's only the Garrison."

Fawnie genuinely considered it, she's been cooped up in her room for nearly a week. Perhaps some time outside would do her overthinking brain some good. "Sure... just... just let me get dressed." A giant smile broke out of Finn's face as he pulled Fawn in for a tight hug, she was startled by the gesture but managed to pat him on the back.

"You won't regret it, I promise. We leave in ten minutes." Fawnie wanted to scoff at Finn because lately, the promises those made were not often kept...