Serving the Commander

Sweet dreams turn nightmares

More time passes each day Kylo was supposed to return five weeks ago he has been gone now a little over two months, still no word from him or his return. You have stopped cleaning his room daily there is no point instead going once a week to dust everything and change his linens, having managed to ignore James thus far. The days consist of hiding in your room until knowing James has left, then sneaking to the lounge passing the rest of the time. By now you have read every journal the last one dated a year before arriving on the base, the last entry was about letting go of this Ben characters past for good finally embracing the dark side. Often finding yourself wondering who wrote them sometimes catching yourself thinking it sounds a lot like something Kylo would write, but dismissing the thought 'he doesn't really seem like someone who would keep a bunch of journal's, besides his name is Kylo not Ben that's a silly assumption.'

Towards the end of the stack finding an empty journal figuring no harm could come from it you've been writing in it yourself, stories about little memories from your childhood to even the dark stuff about how a few masters have abused you, starvation, and attempted assault. Much to your surprise writing all this stuff helps deeply, some days writing all day page after page. Lately you have been writing about Kylo, about the romantic moments you have shared, the intense feelings you have for him to the more recent anger with him. Even writing him letters that he will never see, today's entry reads *Kylo where are you, why have you deserted me? Not a word from you as the days turn into nights the loneliness of my empty bed overwhelms me, sweet dreams turn nightmares as I envision you lost or hurt, possibly even moved on with someone else. Do you even think about me? Will things be the same when you return? So many questions that are left unanswered... I hope to see you soon. I need to see you soon; the longing is growing unbearable I am starting to think this has all been a figment of my imagination. Prove me wrong Kylo come back to me...*

Some nights spent sleeping in his bed clutching his pillow trying to hold onto its fading smell, the other sleepless nights spent thinking of him, his touch often masturbating in his bed, a couple of nights multiple times before finally falling asleep from exhaustion. Other nights crying yourself to sleep longing to be near him again, to at least to know he is okay.

The morning of the sixth week, waking up late sun shining bright against your eyes, pulling the covers up over your head trying to fall back to sleep only to be woken again by the sound of knocking at your door. Frustrated, crawling out of bed slugging towards the door, opening the hatch lazy eyes focusing on the figure before recognizing its James. Quickly crossing your arms over your chest knowing the top you are wearing is quite sheer 'thanks for that one Kylo.' Standing staring at you before finally speaking "oh hey, I didn't actually think you'd answer the door but I'm glad you did. Listen I really need to talk to you about that night... I don't know how you feel about it, but I haven't been able to stop thinking of you since." Blushing saying "honestly I don't really know how to feel about it... kissing you brought back so many old emotions that I thought I got rid of. I think about you a lot lately too... and him... truthfully I'm not in the right frame of mind to try and figure out what I want today."

He pauses awkwardly looking as if he does not know what to do before asking "do you need a hug?" Laughing, "I guess that would be nice actually." Walking through the door he gently pulls you closer to him wrapping his arms around placing his palm against the back of your head, a rush of emotions flows through you, beginning to cry against him. He squeezes tighter "what's wrong?" Raspy voice replying "my heart hurts, I feel so alone... things were getting so real between me and ky....Kylen and now I don't even know if it meant anything. Not to mention you... I want to hate you so badly I do... but here you are weaseling your way back into my life and right now I don't think I'm strong enough to stop you..." stepping back he says "hey you know what I'm just going to call in today, if it's cool with you I can just stay here and we can hang out get your mind off things or even just sit and cry if that's what you need." Looking up at him wiping away tears "you'd do that for me?" Smiling he pulls out his tablet, tapping a few times before saying "done, what do you want to do?" Thinking for a moment "can... um... can we just lay here... I just want to be held..." he smiles, "sure whatever you need."

Walking to the bed both of you climbing under the sheets as he opens his arm patting on his chest "your pillow awaits ma'am." Sliding up against him wrapping your arms around him while pressing your face against his chest, holding him is an entirely different feeling than holding Kylo, James is built so much smaller he's muscular but not in comparison the two of you lay together long enough for both of you to drift off into sleep.

The soft feeling of fingers raking through your hair wakes you, eyes still closed enjoying the loving feel of it before grabbing onto his side squeezing gently "good morning again, or should I say evening." Sitting glancing at the clock shocked it is already after four pm "how did we sleep all day?" Laughing he says, "you slept all day, I've been up for a few hours." Turning facing him "why didn't you wake me up?" Brushing a piece of hair behind your ear "you were sleeping so peacefully I couldn't wake you, so instead I just watched you sleep." Jokingly you say, "that's not creepy at all." Laughing "but I was trying to wake you just now, a minute ago you started having a bad dream you were mumbling something like he's hurt repeatedly. Who were you dreaming about?" Answering quickly "no idea, I don't remember what I was dreaming about." But the truth is you do thinking 'I was dreaming about Kylo it was so vivid it felt so realistic, he was lying against a pile of rocks his clothes ripped and torn blood soaking the surrounding gravel, his face lined with a large open wound.' Thinking about him hurt like that sends a shiver down your spine, James notices "are you cold?" Not wanting to go into detail simply nodding yes as he wraps his arms around pulling you back into his embrace neatly under the blankets, wrapped in James embrace but mind fogged with Kylo 'I hope he's okay...'