Serving the Commander

The end is near...but not for our love

***It had been three months since she was ripped from my life, three fucking months. Nothing is the same...or well, everything is exactly the same, just as it was before she arrived. The hate fueling inside me that she had just begun to calm is stronger now than ever and my soul is darker than before, having not spoken to anyone since waking in the hospital, still clutching hard onto her crystal necklace. So hard in fact, I've now got permanent scars in the triple pointed shape from the mini saber, honestly had it not been for the still bloodied necklace my mind may not have even comprehend that it wasn't all some insane facade I created, that when I returned to my quarters she would be patiently waiting for me...waiting for my embrace. I still haven't been to her final resting place since the incident occurred, unable to bring myself to fully acknowledge that she's really gone. That all my fears had come true, that I am not meant for happiness and that darkness is my only home. Sometimes I get the sensation that she never left, that somehow she's still with me, I feel her presence, her glow, I feel the force of the only woman I've ever loved. But she never appears to me, not once has she shown herself...that is if she even could, the mind plays nasty tricks on someone so near self destruction.

The first night spend out of the bay and in my own quarters...our quarters...was awful, not even being able to hardly step foot into the room knowing she wouldn't be there to greet me, wouldn't be preparing my bath, or lying on my bed, waiting for the love I've only shown one person. So instead, I rampaged through everything destroying almost anything that would ever remind me of her...of our love, my saber sliced through the bathtub splitting it in two with ease, my hands flung the oils and soaps against the wall shattering their stained glass all around the bathroom, that unfortunately now strongly reeked of eucalyptus, only making me think of her even more. The force dismantled her vanity crushing all the fine makeups and gifted jewels, furiously I ripped at her clothes destroying all the handpicked dresses, all the silks, velvets, and laces that once skimmed over her perfect frame. Even using my saber to melt the metal hilt I had prepared, holding it above my blades for hours until it slowly disintegrated into small glowing fragments slowly burning their way into the floor, it would be no use to me now nor would it ever be, if it wasn't going to held by her hands it should cease to exist, no one deserves to wield her saber...not even me.

Doris eventually found me the next morning, lying in the ruined mess clinging onto her mangled clothes they're fabrics pressed tightly against my face, the only salvageable items were her necklace, ring, and the cloak I had only recently gifted her. Slowly she began cleaning the clutter around me, gently picking up pieces of the shattered glass, jewels, and saber. The unknown amount of time it took for her to restore the quarters to somewhat normalcy, she had managed to remain quiet and poised, trying her hardest not to disturb the pitiful mess still curled up on the floor. She softly pulled away the cloak, tenderly removed the ring from my clutched grasp, and attempted to take away the crystal pressed tightly against my lips but quickly realized I'd die before letting it out of my grasp. Quietly she boxed them away assuring me of their safety until I wanted them once more, but I wouldn't...that cloak and ring would never have a place to call home again, no woman would ever be worthy of what once belonged to my (y/n).

My quarters weren't the only thing destroyed, in another fit of rage I nearly burnt down the writing room destroying all of my journals, all of her journals, all of my drawings except one... the intimate piece of what should have been our wedding, what should have been the best day of my life, of her life, our new forever. She had finally convinced me that I could be something more, something worth fighting for, something other than a monster. Maybe she was right, but she failed to realize I'd never be any of those things...not without her. My saber easily tore into the pages, it's hot burning blades quickly ignited the fire, standing there watching the room begin to fill with flames I was frozen, it had been the first time in forever that i had felt peace, felt that maybe finally my suffering would end and I would burn...burn for my regrets, burn for my disloyalty, burn for it all. I was going to let it burn...let it all burn...but my efforts were extinguished before any real damage had been done.

Now my time was spent trying focusing back on the tasks before (y/n), before love, before almost forever. Finding my last known threat, and killing it along with the scavenger girl who persistently tries to get in my way, then and only then will I finally be unstoppable, finally encasing myself in the darkness...snuffing the light out for good. I have prepared a mission to collect the rumored wayfinder on the planet mustafar, leaving tomorrow I may never return, this place no longer feels like home...not without her.

Trying to sleep was useless having not gotten a full nights rest since she left, each time I close my eyes I picture her...her beautiful face, silky smooth skin, eyes so striking it's almost impossible to divert their gaze. Of course tonight was just the same, lying in this empty bed, in this now mostly empty room she continues to haunt me, tossing and turning trying to rid her of my mind. I think about the mission to mustafar, think about releasing my anger, seeking revenge for all the hurt I've ever experienced, imagining that fleeting feeling of my saber burning into enemy flesh...something it's been deprived of for far too long. She had distracted me...yes...that's what she was...a distraction from my true mission, my descent into darkness. Immediately my entire body cringes, how could I possibly think that about her...about my (y/n)...frustratingly cursing into the night "damnit (y/n) can you please leave me alone, let me rest! If you are going to abandon me then why don't you leave for good?! Quit lingering around! Stop occupying my mind every waking second! This is torture! You're either here or you're not..."

Flipping to my side my hand instinctively finding its way to the vast emptiness beside me, the cold vacant place where she used to lie, huffing loudly while outstretching my fingers, trembling they softly rub at the silk. My breathing shallows and the room becomes silent, time feels as if it had stopped, tightly closing my eyes holding back the painful need to sob, suddenly for a moment I can picture her, an image so clear it's as if she had never left, pushing away her memory begging for peace when the light unexpected scent of rose now began to hug around my senses "great, now I get to be tortured by this too? I thought I told Doris not to use your old pillowcase? Is there ever an end? Will I ever feel normal again?"

Just about to turn away, my hand begins to tingle, my mind is playing tricks on me, teasing me, wounding me, but never the less slowly opening my eyes...lips trembling a choked gasp escapes...it's her lying directly across from me. Her glowing blue hand rests upon my own, and her eyes stare lovingly into mine while her smile breaks my heart in two. She is here...she's really here...she's returned to me...the force is gifting her to me...hot tears flow down the side of my nose before pooling onto the pillow, slowly reaching up my hand it strokes at the air where her face would be. The words scarcely slip from my mouth, so loud and yet barely heard "...(y)...(y/n)...you're here..." Although I hear nothing her subtle words enter my mind "I never left Ben...I've been here the whole time...I'm always with you and I'm never going to leave...when you need me most, I'll be here. Promise you'll always remember that I love you..." her words soothe my aches allowing my emotions to break free I'm a mess, never have I cried as I am now...choking on the frigid air trying to speak "sta...stay with me..." softly she smiles, then just as quickly as she had appeared, she vanishes again leaving my hand and my heart touching at the darkness. Uncontrollable tears continue to flow as I beg "no...d...don't go..."

The urge to scream, to cry, to curse her for toying with my emotions is overwhelming...how could she appear to me but only for an instant? Doesn't she know how much I miss her? How much I need her...I've never needed anything this much...but instead I smile through the pain...yes seeing her makes this real, makes her absence only that much more apparent but it also reveals that I haven't  completely lost her...that she's with me even when she's not...does that make up for the fact that she's gone? No...nothing will ever heal that wound...not until I can be reunited with her...with my (y/n) but the numbness in my heart...maybe it can still fade...heal. I feel it again, the pull to the light...knowing that she's still forever mine.

•••I just wanted to say thank you so much for reading my story, I never imagined anyone would want to read it let alone thousands of people. After you finish crying and decide you are not mad at me anymore 🥺 I hope that you'll to stick around for part two, I'll still be posting on my tik tok theblairewitch_ and my Instagram with the same name often, just because this fic is over doesn't mean I'm done ☺️ The date for part two is currently unknown but I promise that it'll be worth the wait. I appreciate all of you! Thank you again 🖤🖤🖤🖤

Part two if finally being written! Go check it out 🖤 titled Life, Death and the in between
Hope you enjoy love you guys!