Serving the Commander

Comforting embrace

A low beeping wakes you, not as confused this time looking to the chair beside you seeing Kylo slouched over resting against his folded arms laid on the edge of the bed, one arm stretched out gently holding on to your thigh. He looks so peaceful lying there, next to his figure on the bed is the journal he was just writing in, knowing you should not but reaching for it anyways. Opening it turning to the bookmarked page, he's written every day since you've been out the first entry reads *look what I've done, idiot! I have hurt the only thing to bring me any joy in years. Look at her! Look at her lying there in that bed, her limp body hooked to all sorts of wires and machines. I did this to her, I'm a monster!* Page after page is written about self-hatred, after the first week the loathing slows he writes more now of every emotion you've made him feel one reads *I've tried to deny it but there is no use her presence is suffocating every spare moment filled with thoughts of her, if she wakes up and doesn't hate every part of me I must show her how I feel.*

A few pages are lined with beautiful drawn portraits of you some of them are you lying in the hospital bed, those are beautiful but seeing yourself from his eyes bound and bruised is hard to look at. Others are extremely detailed sketches of the moments the two of you have shared, one particularly beautiful piece is your body from his point of view from the last intimate moment shared between one another. The way he has drawn your upright position, naked body on top of his with a delicate hand cradling one breast fingers resting on the nipple while your head leans back mouth biting your bottom lip. The smallest details are what makes it so breath taking he captured the moon light dancing across your skin, he's drawn every small freckle on your body and even included the stretch marks on your stomach 'something I've always been so insecure about but he has drawn them so beautifully that they don't matter anymore. How was he able to draw this from memory, does he really see me this beautiful?'

Another favorite he's drawn the two of you standing on a balcony outside in the snow, you're wearing the most beautiful black gown, face covered with lace held in place by an elegant crown, it's design black and pointed with red rubies all along the brim followed by long chains lining your lace covered face meeting more rubies in the middle resting over your mouth. He is wearing a formal black outfit with a cloak this one different from his usual it's much longer, the tail of it dragged around meeting the train of your own dress making the shape of a heart surrounding you both, it also has a red silk fabric lining the inside with long black chains falling along the back with rubies connecting them to the cloak. Holding hands both figures outlined by a red neon sun, on your finger a beautiful black ring with a large red stone in the middle. 'Is he envisioning us getting married?'

Trying to gasp, only shallow air leaving your lips the image almost bringing you to tears, placing the journal back on the bed reaching out, hand hovering above his for a moment then gripping it tightly. He wakes up lifting his head quickly with tired eyes looking around the room searching for any signs that something is wrong "what, what's going on is everything okay?" He looks at you, tears now falling across your cheeks, he stands "what happened, do you need the nurse I'll grab her." Turning to walk out, stopping him with your grip tugging, concern strewn across his face "tell me what's wrong, I can't help if I don't know how." Letting go picking up the note pad writing *I just had a nightmare or something, don't go I'm okay.* Letting out a deep breath he relaxes sitting on the edge of the bed staring "is there anything I can do?"

Pointing to the cup of ice on the nightstand beside the bed, grabbing it his large hand engulfing the spoon, scooping some of it up scooting closer to you his hand shaking while slowly bringing it towards your lips. Opening your mouth he gently slides a few ice chips inside, pulling back too quickly pieces of ice falling off the spoon he rushes to grab them from falling down your gown, finger tips grazing across your skin, immediately his face turning a bright red "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to touch you I was just trying to..." shaking your head mouth full of ice letting out a laugh that turns into a cough trying to say "it's okay."

Relaxing he places the rouge ice into his own mouth chewing it, watching him momentarily then trying to bring up the journal asking, "are you writing again?" Looking down, grabbing the book tossing it into the recliner "not really, just work stuff nothing important." Awkwardness lingering for a while, his eyes locking on to yours, lip quivering "(y/n) I'm sorry... I do not know what came over me... I was not myself... I mean... it was me but...but I would never want to harm you... I do not know why I did it... I thought I lost you... it was all my fault...I know you'll never forgive me at least you shouldn't... but please know I'm sorry."

Not knowing how to respond instead simply placing a hand on his thigh patting lightly trying to calm him, he stops talking staring at you "you're not mad at me?" Shaking your head side to side sitting up placing the other hand on his chest above his heart whispering "it wasn't the real you, I know you." His hand rising resting on top of yours "I don't know how you can say that I don't even know me, you should be afraid of me..." Sitting like this for a while enjoying the rhythmic thumping of his heart against your fingers the feeling sending chills down your body, Kylo noticing "are you okay?" Smiling writing in the note pad *just a little cold.*

Looking around the room he searches for another blanket "I'll go grab you one, I'll be right back." He tries to stand but stopping him again pulling his arm towards you, confused he stares "I... I don't understand...are you wanting me to lay down with you?" Scooting over nodding tugging at him again, finally giving in he stands walking closer sitting on the bed, laying flat and rigid on top of the blankets. The bed being barely big enough for one of you now squishing the nervous bodies together, poorly turning on the side, muscles not wanting to cooperate but eventually succeeding, facing him his stern face stare at the ceiling. Lifting his heavy arm, his face turns watching it being placed behind your back eyes darting across your face multiple times trying to read the intention behind it, scooting closer nuzzling into his chest a warm sensation flowing within 'I've missed this so much he smells so good, it's not cheating, it's simply a friend keeping me warm... right?' Laying in his embrace neither of you speaking the remainder of the time it takes before he falls asleep first, the rise and fall of his chest mixed with a soft snore coasting you to sleep as well.