Nightmares -Saiouma/Oumasai-

-58-

His hair was soft and fluffy when I finished drying his hair. It was calming to me to just be in the moment while he was here beside me. He still looked exhausted and honestly I felt exhausted. All of the stuff going on with Angie...and even just the killing game in general...

.   .   .

"Kokichi! You always seem so happy! I love being your friend!!" A girl said to me after playing a game of soccer with me and the other kids. It was nice to be able to see all of them smiling and running around like they are having a good time...but

Why can't I feel that?

I felt my face start to form into a frown before I put on the same smile I was wearing before. "Of course! I'm glad you do~!" I said in my teasing tone after patting her head. The other team regrouped and we started another round. Even though my team mostly lost because the other kids were older and more experienced than us...we still gave it our all!

I felt a twinge of pride for the others...but I still felt so empty. Why is it so hard for me to smile? Why is it so hard for me to actually laugh? When have I ever been able to laugh or smile just out of habit...? All of this is so forced...

"I think he might be a sociopath...I know I don't have a lot of proof but there is no way someone could be that happy all the time," Some of the kids whispered. What's a sociopath? Is that what this is? Feeling like you can't feel anything and making big scenes just to be able to feel something...

Just to be able to know something is there.

"Kokichi!! Are you coming?" Another girl shouted before I smiled at her.

"Yeah! I'm on my way!" I rushed over to where they were and we all just sat down in the dirt and talked. They were all talking about they boys they liked and things like that. I was honored and mostly sort of confused that they wanted to talk to me about these things...but I didn't think about it too much.

"Isn't that guy **** super cute?" They all giggled and pointed over to him while he ran through the fields. Yeah he is super cute...I really think he is amazing. Is that wrong?

"Yeah he is!" I exclaimed, trying to keep my mask on. The one I have been using and perfecting for years.

"Aren't you a boy? Boys can't like boys silly!" One of them poked my nose. I can't like boys? But what am I supposed to do if I haven't ever liked a girl? Am I supposed to fake that as well?

"Yeah~ I knew that~," I teased, poking her cheek, making her laugh before they went back to their conversation. I looked at all of them holding my smile on my face. Is it really so wrong to like a boy? Does that make me an outcast? Am I the only one who- wait...why would someone like me anyway, I'm a lying bastard with no real friends who know anything about me...

Why would they want to know anything about me anyway? I'm not interesting or cool, I'm a fraud who doesn't fit in with anyone...

Maybe one day- no don't lie to yourself Kokichi...you fucking dumbass...no one will ever be that foolish and stupid. Your a fucking joke!

.   .   .

"Kokichi..." Shuichi whispered, making me snap out of my thoughts. What was I thinking just now...I shook my head and looked up at him.

"Sorry I zoned out," I said quickly before he stood up beside me and unplugged the hair dryer. I blushed a bit knowing how much I was zoning out for but he wrapped his arms around me so I forgot it the moment it came.

"That's alright...if something is bothering you then you can always tell me," He said softly into my ear...he makes it so tempting to just spill all of my secrets and thoughts to him...but I can't do that to him all at once...that's too much for even me to handle.

"Ok..." I paused for a moment and put my hand to my mouth. Is he being honest about that...?

"Are you sure you aren't too tired?" I asked, regretting letting the words fall out of my mouth. I don't know if I should tell him about this just yet...

"Yes, I want to be able to be here for you," He said, leading me out of the bathroom and to our bed. I sat there for a moment just staring at the wall before Shuichi took the spot next to me against the bed frame.

"So what's going on love?" He asked, making me shiver. How do I even explain it?

.   .   . 

Who would ever be stupid enough to fall for you? Who are you kidding, he is just being foolish! He wants to leave you anyway!! Anything is better than you!!

"You are unlovable, you lying shit!" She screamed at me throwing me against the wall making me tremble a bit before I looked at her with a blank gaze.

"That's all I get?! Are you serious?" She yelled again before leaving me to get beat up by some other girls before I walked home. All these lies are trapping me in my own head...can someone please help me?

.   .   .

"Yeah, sorry...it may be a little confusing..." I whispered gently grabbing onto his hand trying to keep my tears at bay. You can do this.

"That's alright," He said moving closer to me so he could wrap his arm around my waist. I smiled gently at the gesture before starting.

"Well I have never really felt as though I have felt genuine emotions...they are always forced or just lies to make people feel better," I slumped my shoulders.

"I feel like I can't believe anything anymore...everything is just a lie even my own memories and even my thoughts and actions," I whispered bitterly. I hate having to say all of this....but it had been bothering me for my whole life...

"That's ok, it's ok if you feel that way...I hope in some ways I can help you feel like you can be yourself and be honest even if it's just around me," He kissed my forehead and slowly led me down to lay beside him. I smiled and leaned into his chest letting a breath I didn't know I was holding in out.

"Thank you Shu," I whispered again feeling the exhaustion take over my eyes and body making them both droop. My eyes slowly slid closed and I was out.

-Feeling empty again, but I'm getting over it or will in a little bit. Anyway, thank you all so much for reading!!-

-ShuichiOuma010-