Don't push me

Tube off, anxiety on

Chapter 23

Sarah's POV

It's Thursday, I'm brushing my teeth and thinking. Today they're taking my tube off. I gained weight. I can't wait for this to be over so I can lose it back. Lately it's been even more complicated dealing with my weight. I'm not allowed to go to the bathroom after eating. I can't skip meals. I'm forced to live inside a cow's body. And Dean's been distant. Which was kind of nice at first. But then it started feeling like he was doing it on purpose. There's something going on with Krissy, but I don't know what. They don't talk to me. Nobody talks to me. Except for Sam. We've been getting closer and that's cool but I kind of miss Dean. I hate to admit it but a part of me is jealous. Krissy's sleeping in his bedroom. He's always with her. It's making me mad. I used to be his priority. And now I'm mad at myself for being such a fucking narcissist. I'm in my head and don't notice Dean standing outside the bathroom.

Dean: Hey. Are you ready? We're taking off in five.

I spit into the sink and answer not looking at him.

Sarah: Yeah.

When I turn around, he's already gone. Figures. I go to the garage and get inside the car. Dean starts the engine. The first couple of minutes are silent.

Dean: Are you okay?

Sarah: Sure.

Dean: Sarah...?

Sarah: What? I sass back.

Dean: Are you okay? He asks, insisting.

Sarah: I'm fine.

Dean: How about some music? He turns on the radio.

I put my headphones on without answering and look out the window. 10 minutes later we're there. We got into the hospital, which triggered a thought: Once, this was my home. Huh. Weird. The process didn't take long. I talked to the psychiatrists about the last weeks and the coming days. I lied about how I felt. Told them what they wanted to hear. I was weighed by the doctor. He nodded and told me I could take the tube out. So, I did. Dean was waiting in the hallway. The doctor talked to him; told him what diet I should have and gave him an appointment for some blood tests. Once they were done talking, we went back to the car. We were silent, again. We arrived at the bunker and when I tried getting out of the car the door wouldn't open. I looked towards Dean who was looking at me like we were about to have a talk.

Dean: What's up with you? And don't give me that "I'm fine" crap because I ain't buying it.

Sarah: Oh so now you want to talk?

Dean: What's that supposed to mean?

Sarah: You would know if you weren't so focused on Krissy all the time.

Dean looks at me in disbelief

Dean: So what, you're jealous of Krissy now?

Sarah: Shut up.

Dean: You are, aren't you?

Sarah: Just open the door.

Dean: What are you jealous of?

Sarah: It's pretty simple Dean.

Dean: Well explain anyway, he says sternly.

Sarah: Do you know how fucking hard it is growing up knowing that no one is waiting for you at the dinner table? It's not your fault. It's never been your fault. But do you know how hard it is? Having no family. Having no one telling you they love you. Ever. Well it's hard. Now imagine discovering that you actually have a family. They take you in. And sometimes it sucks but most of the time it's pretty awesome. For the first year they tell you they love you and you believe them but eventually, one of them gets tired. He stops making sure you eat. He stops checking on you. He just stops caring all at once. He stops saying goodnight. Because why say goodnight when you're not gonna say good morning?