ignite me / p. pevensie

chapter twenty-nine

 "It's been two years, Charlie." Sam told his husband as they argued in the kitchen. "Two years! She needs to get over it." He kept his voice down to prevent their daughter from hearing it over the loud music that played from her room.

Charlie pinched his brow. "If what she told us is true then how the hell can we expect her to just move on from something like that? To move on from having grown up completely--to getting married and then being ripped away from them? Put yourself in her shoes, Sam."

Sam took a deep breath. "This isn't healthy . . . she's always in there painting--I can't even remember the last time we all had dinner together!" The couple continued to argue as Rowyn pressed her head against her bedroom door, hearing every word.

As their shouts quieted down again, Rowyn huffed and pushed away from the door. "At least Charlie understands." She told the shadow that sat on her bed. The shadow didn't respond. "Maybe he's right . . . I mean, what if I never go back, Cas?"

Rowyn placed her paint-stained hands on her hips as she turned back towards the bedroom wall she was painting. A few days after she came back, Rowyn peeled every poster off of her bedroom walls and began painting. She covered her entire bedroom wall in memories of the Golden Age. She painted her and Peter reading books on Calormene, her becoming the Savior of Calormene, her and Susan laughing on the beach, her wedding to Peter--hell, she even painted that night on the beach. She painted the way he looked surrounded by her flame.

She refused to forget it. She refused to forget his voice . . . his laugh. She would rather die than forget Peter.

"No," Rowyn said, running her eyes over the mural. "I will go back . . . I have to." Rowyn closed her eyes for a moment when Casper came to stand beside her. A brush of cold air caressing her hand. "Thank you, Casper . . . I should probably go outside for a bit--clear my head." Rowyn didn't bother wiping the dried paint from her hands as she opened her bedroom door and faced her parents.

"Ro-" Sam's voice was shocked upon the sudden reappearance of his daughter. "I-" Rowyn held up her hand.

"I'm trying, dad." She said, holding her elbow. "I'm really trying to be better . . . but you didn't go through what I did--feel what I did . . . after all I've been through . . . everything that I've done . . . it's not something I can just get over." And with that Rowyn walked outside with Cooper and Casper on her toes and headed for the stables.

Cooper ran forward, his tail wagging happily as he sniffed and greeted Belle. Rowyn smiled at the deep brown horse and raise her hand to stroke her snout. Belle huffed under her touch and moved her head, signaling for Rowyn to scratch her back.

"Was that too harsh?" Rowyn said to the animals and Casper. "God, I feel like I'm drowning . . ." Rowyn huffed out and hopped on the fence that she rested on to pet Belle. Once she got down, she went to get Belle a treat as well as Cooper. "I feel like I'm being a bitch to them, but they just don't understand . . . I went from being twenty-nine, a goddamn High Queen, and being very happily married to being this!" She motioned down towards her now sixteen--almost seventeen--year old body. "I feel like I'm trapped in this world now and Peter he's-" Rowyn took a deep breath.

She knew she and Peter would never be able to be together in this world. Hell, she knew there was a great chance he was already dead.

Rowyn turned to Casper. "Do you think Peter's already . . ." She couldn't bring herself to say it. To say the reality that rested in her mind. "I could probably Google it and get the answer but I just--I don't think I want to know." Casper brushed her hand to comfort her. Rowyn looked up at him, in the shadowy area that would've held his eyes if he were alive, and smiled. "Does it hurt--dying I mean . . ." Casper shook his shadowy head.

Rowyn looked down at her lap and fiddled with her thumbs. "Good . . . I'd hate to think he went in pain." She took a deep breath to calm her mind when her eyes began to burn. "Fuck me . . ." She muttered and left the stables to go lay in the grassy meadow that surrounded their home.

Rowyn stayed outside for a few hours, soaking up as much sun as she could since that seemed to help with her mood before she came inside and away from the hot summer day.

Sam and Charlie looked up from their dinner when Rowyn grabbed herself a bowl and sat down in another chair at the table.

"Thank you, Ro." Charlie smiled at his daughter and squeezed her hand gently. Sam gave her a grateful smile as well.

Rowyn took a deep breath and gathered a forkful of spaghetti. "I'm trying . . . I'm sorry for being so off recently."

Charlie's expression softened. "It's okay, Ro-Ro . . . you're trying to be better and that's all that matters." Rowyn's mouth twitched upwards before she moved the fork into her mouth and the family had their first family dinner together since she came back.