Ludic Selcouth #1: Cracked Beat

Hit #25

I forced myself to stop from crying. Naligo ako at nagbihis. Para akong wala sa sarili habang isinusuot ang damit. All Iʼm thinking are those viral pictures. Fucking pictures.

After that, I went in front of my vanity mirror. Mas lalong namaga ang mata ko dahil nabasa. There are dark circles beneath my eyes, and my eyes— itʼs so puffy that youʼll think it was bitten by a bunch of cockroaches. Kinuha ko ang concealer at pilit na tinakpan ang namamaga kong mata. But even if Iʼm already putting it, my eyes started to water again.

Sa huli ay hindi ko na lang itinuloy ang paglalagay at huminga nang malalim. I am trying so hard to remove the heavy thing on my chest. Ang bigat-bigat ng pakiramdam ko.

Good thing itʼs Saturday and I donʼt have classes, nawalan ako ng gana dahil sa mga nakita ko. I lazily got up and picked up my phone. There are a lot of missed calls from Signy, Aide, Lucien, some unknown numbers but nothing from Tase.

What is it now? Is he still busy with Dalla? Busy flirting with her that he canʼt even fucking call me?

A tear rolled down my cheeks once again. Marahas ko iyong pinunasan pero mas lalo lang nagtuloy-tuloy. Pagod kong isinubsob ang mukha sa unan at muling umiyak. What a fucking good start for my day. Hindi ko alam kung gaano ako katagal nakasubsob sa unan. The tears wonʼt just stop from flowing.

I heard the door of my bedroom opened but I didnʼt lift myself to see who it was.
“Zemi...” tawag nito sa 'kin. I immediately got up and looked at her. Nag-aalala ang mukha niya at parang problemado. Agad niya akong nilapitan at pinunasan ang mga luha sa pisngi.

“Shit. You already saw it, right?” hindi ko na napigilan at niyakap siya. I am sobbing and crying badly.

Stop it, Zemira! Hold yourself! Those were just pictures! Youʼre not even sure if it was really them or itʼs just edited!

“Shh... Iʼm here...” basang basa na ang t-shirt ni Signy dahil sa luha ko.

“S–signy... t–tell me... Those pictures... they are just edited right? Tase... he c–canʼt...he canʼt do this to me...” malalim siyang bumuntong hininga at hinagod ang likod ko. Signy didnʼt say anything and just let me cry more. We both know... we both know that those are not edited. But Iʼm still holding onto the small possibility that Tase canʼt hurt me like this. That he won't cheat.

Because he loves me...

Hinayaan lang ako ni Signy na umiyak sa kaniya. She didnʼt talk. She stayed still while I hug her. Kanina ay nakita ko pang dumaan si mama at saglit na tumigil sa harap ng pintuan ko pero hindi siya pumasok. Nang medyo mahimasmasan ay lumayo na ako kay Signy at nagpunas ng luha. Malungkot siyang nakatingin sa 'kin.

“Want some ice cream?” she offered. I am so hurt that I think ice cream wouldnʼt be able to lessen the heavy feeling in my chest. I want it gone so I can breathe properly but it just... wonʼt. Still, I nodded. Tumayo siya at inalalayan ako. Bago pa kami makalabas ng kuwarto ay muling tumunog ang cellphone ko. I looked at the caller id and itʼs Lucien. Pilit akong tumikhim bago sinagot ang tawag.

“Lucien,” I greeted. My voice is still groggy and shaky.

“Where are you, Zemira? If youʼre currently inside the building, donʼt leave your unit. A lot of medias are outside of your building.” my eyes widen. What the fuck?

“What? What are they doing there?” he sighed heavily.

“They have a lot of questions, Zemi. They wonʼt stop until they get the answers that they want. Donʼt leave and just stay inside your unit.” humigpit ang hawak ko sa cellphone. Muli na namang nagtutubig ang mata ko kaya agad akong huminga nang malalim.