Ludic Selcouth #1: Cracked Beat

Hit #38

I woke up feeling sore. Ramdam ko rin ang brasong nakapulupot sa 'kin mula sa likuran. I tried to move but he hugged me even tighter. I stunned when I remember what just happened.

Shit! I just...lost my self again...

My stomach somersaulted when I remember how it started. We just did it... again... after 3 fucking years. I donʼt know if I should smack myself, why the hell did I even let it happen? Ang rupok-rupok ko na naman!

“Tase...” I called but he just groaned. Mas lalo niyang isiniksik ang mukha sa balikat ko, ramdam ko pa ang pag-hinga niya sa leeg ko.

“What time is it?” kagat labi kong tanong.

“Probably afternoon, baby,” he answered hoarsely. Heʼs calling me like that again...

Tumikhim ako at hinawakan ang braso niyang nakapulupot sa 'kin. I lifted it a little before I turned to face him. Nang makaharap ako ay antok niyang binuksan ang mga mata. He kissed the side of my lips before slamming me to his chest. Hinahaplos niya ang likod ko kung saan nakalagay ang tattoo.

“Iʼm now thinking that these are our hands,” aniya na mukhang tinutukoy ang tattoo ko sa likod.

“Assuming ka,” sagot ko. He laughed and kissed the top of my head.

“Why? Am I wrong?” hindi ako nakasagot. Siya naman talaga ang nasa isip ko habang nagpapalagay ako noon.

“Even the tattoo on your wrist... The drumsticks that are forming letter T, itʼs my symbol, right?” parang siguradong-sigurado siya sa sinasabi kaya nakagat ko na lang ang labi at hindi pa rin nagsalita. Of course, I shouldʼve already expected that he can easily tell what it means. His hand traveled on my hip and pressed me to him even more.

“You wonʼt let me own you if you have a relationship with that architect.” kumabog ang dibdib ko sa sinabi niya.

“Am I right, baby? You donʼt really love him...” I still refused to say anything. I will just complicate this...

“Why did you leave me, then?” mariin akong pumikit. Heʼll probably get mad once I finally tell him the reason. I donʼt plan to say anything.

Nang hindi ako magsalita ay bahagya niya akong inilayo sa kaniya at sinakop ang magkabila kong pisngi. “Tell me, Zemira... After you let me own you again, thereʼs no fucking way that Iʼll let you push me again without telling me the truth.” kinagat ko ang labi at nag-iwas ng tingin. Pilit akong tumawa at sinubukang tumayo pero hinila niya lang ulit ako patabi sa kaniya.

“Tell me,” he demanded but I just shook my head. Thereʼs no point explaining it. This...this is wrong. Hindi dapat ako bumigay.

"Youʼre just overthinking it, Tase,” sabi ko at mabilis ulit na tumayo habang nakapulupot ang comforter sa katawan. Agad kong usinuot ang underwear at sweatpants na nakakalat. I snatched his shirt because he ripped mine.

“Really, Zemira? Overthinking? You lied to me! You donʼt love Camus! What was it? Why did you break-up with me?” lumapit siya at hinawakan ang magkabila kong braso. Hinuhuli niya ang mata ko pero pilit ko iyong iniiwas.

“Maybe weʼre just both confused thatʼs why this happened. Just... Letʼs just forget it,” labag sa loob kong sabi at binawi ang dalawang braso pero ayaw niyang bitawan. Hindi siya makapaniwalang tumingin sa 'kin at sarkastikong tumawa. “Zemira, donʼt fucking give me that bullshit again. Tell me your reason... Why did you leave me?"

“Why do I still need to say it? Wala na tayo, Tase. We broke up 3 years ago. Bakit kailangan ko pang magpaliwanag?” matigas kong sabi. He stopped. Lumuwag ang hawak niya sa braso ko kaya agad ko na iyong binawi at lumayo. His face became impassive. “Right, weʼre over.” my eyes stung but I tried to ignore the pinch on my heart.