final round - lrh

five.

"I just don't know what to do."

Pausing my steps, I furrow my eyebrows as I hear Declan's voice coming from his room.

"I wish there was something I could do," this time, I hear Ashton's voice which confuses me even more as I wonder what they're talking about. I probably should make my presence known but something inside of me tells me otherwise. I walk up to the door to listen closely before pressing my ear to it.

"I'm fucked."

Silence enters the room and I begin to think the conversation's over. What's happening? Why is he fucked? Is everything alright? I push aside every urge to barge in and press for answers as I silently beg for one of them to speak further. 

"I'm going to be by your side, man."

I hear rummaging around the room before Declan speaks up once again, "Ashton you and I both know I'm not making it out of there alive. You saw me trying to do normal things back here, I can barely do anything. I still haven't healed and have no fucking clue how to carry on without an arm."

That's when my heart stops.

He's finally realizing everything I've realized all along. He knows he can't go out to war. Or at least he knows he's not going to make it out alive if he goes out there and he's scared. He's finally realizing the fear that's been eating at me the past few days. 

It finally clicked.

Silence crosses once again and I just stand still waiting for Ashton to speak up. I press a hand to the door as if I could comfort Declan from afar. 

I don't blame him, he should be scared out of his mind. Throwing himself into a war when he is at the biggest disadvantage of all is the worst thing I could possibly fathom.

"I'm going to do whatever it takes to make sure you and I make it out of there alive, Declan," Ashton's voice says making my heart ache at how sweet he is and how much he cares about my brother. "It sucks but we got to do it. I've got to do it for my mom, Harry, and Lauren and you've got to do it for Lila because if it weren't you, it'd be her."

I freeze at the mention of my name. 

It would be me. 

It could potentially still be me. Throwing my brother out there with him being so scared, I don't know if I can do that. I feel as if it's beyond selfish of me to let him go out there when I have the power to mark down my name. I could change everything. I could save my brother's life.

"I know, you're right."

I hear the sound of Ashton patting Declan on the back before he says, "We're going to make it out Declan, I'll make sure of it."

A sigh is heard from the room and it doesn't quite sound like one of relief. More like letting out a deep breath and trying to calm down a bit. This doesn't settle the uncomfortable feeling in my stomach at all as I feel sick and so uneasy. 

My back presses to the wall, leaning my head back against it in an attempt to catch my breath and keep myself from falling faint right now. I don't know what to say or do as I'm overwhelmed by this conversation. I finally was able to move past the thought of this all for the past few hours but this reminder has made it so much more difficult. 

It's horrible listening to Declan come to terms with it all. Knowing he's scared is the most unsettling feeling in the world. 

I wait a little longer to see if they'll discuss it any further, but soon I hear the TV turn on signaling the end of the conversation. I'm sure they don't want to dwell on their reality as being home is supposed to be a break from it all.