Regrets That Were Once Made

Chapter 25 ~ How The Past Haunts

A woman and her child prisoner to a room all they could do was breathe. Drawing in breath and blowing it out, breathing slowly but surely.

The woman was scared, alone and desperate. The invisible chain of the child she bore keeping her still, no plans to escape and no hope to wish upon.

I didn't know who I was, but my eyes could see the weeping woman. Muttering under her breath she cursed the man who led her here. Staring down I could see her, her eyes fixated upon me as her breath faltered.

The candles in the room flickered and my body couldn't move. Still and calm the woman held a pillow in her hands, the white soft fabric stained by her tears. My eyes closed slightly and opened again to see my view almost blinded by white.

Smothering my face, my breathing slowed and faltered as my lungs searched for air. Pain stung and I couldn't help but cry, crying out in indescribable noise. But I couldn't move or push the pillow off, my head began to float off away and so did my mind.

Who was she?

5th of June 1795

~Frederick's pov~

My eyes opened abruptly and I sat up breathing in and out. I looked around at my room and sighed in relief. I haven't had that dream in years and yet it was here again. Back to haunt me as I returned to my home.

I rubbed my forehead slightly and looked over at my bedside table. On it was sat a lit candle and a book. The book being my father's diary. I shuffled in my bed slightly and reached over grabbing it. I sighed again and stared down at it.

It was technically an invasion of privacy but I needed to know more about my father. I ran my hand over the book and opened the first page. In a bold black ink, a small paragraph was written.

1st of January 1776

Dear Diary,

Today marks the start of a new year. I'm still not married and I'm turning 30 this year. I was thinking about searching for a wife again but I'm honestly not sure. I want to say it's because I care more about the war than love but I think it's because I don't want to be left again.

Anyway, this was a short entry, hopefully, this year will get better and maybe I'll find a wife.

Sincerely, George

I looked down at the page with slight sympathy. It was easy to feel sorry for someone who was longing for love but I wouldn't let that change my opinion on my father, it was the first entry anyway. I sighed slightly again and flicked to another page.

4th of May 1776

Dear diary,

Today was quite better than most, in fact, today I hired two new young women as maids. They both seemed very nice and loyal. I'm excited to see how they are especially considering the last two and I hope they'll be able to stay for a long time. The more the merrier they say.

Yours truly, George.

I looked down at the page, it was odd for a King to talk about something as bland as cleaning staff but yet again this was my father we were talking about. I flipped a few pages and looked at the next entry.

31st of June 1776

Dear diary,

I haven't written much lately but I'm very excited for tomorrow because I'm finally proposing to Y/N. I'm excited to tell her and I've even already planned our whole wedding. I can't wait for the rest of my life with her.

The happiest man, George

I looked at the page blankly and sighed. I felt loss in my heart as I realised what this paragraph meant.

The countdown of my mother's final moments of freedom. I flicked a few pages and found the one I was looking for.

1st of August 1776

Dear diary,

Y/N and I's wedding is today and I'm overwhelmed with joy. I'm honestly not sure if I could handle seeing her in a wedding dress let alone with a wedding ring. I'm just so excited to finally ve able to make love to her and start a family. After these years of loneliness, I'll finally be happy.

Soon to be married, George

I shrivelled in slight discomfort, it irked me slightly to think I was the product of that night. I was the 'family' that my father so desperately wanted and got, of course, I knew that my mother wasn't keen on their marriage. If it was a perfect world I'd be smiling in joy, but in this cruel story, I could only look down in disgust.

I flicked through the pages all the way to the back and saw the quickly scribbled entry.

14th of May 1779

Dear diary,

I want to say that this morning I woke up to my children's smiling face. I also want to say that I was awoken with the embrace of my wife. But I wasn't.

Y/N is gone and I know exactly where she's taken, my children.

I love Y/N too much and I cursed upon this day to never happen but yet here I am.

I just want a happy life.

Sincerely, George.

My eyes widened and I scanned over the words again. Something didn't feel right about this entry, what did my father mean about my mother leaving with us. I looked around in confusion and shut the book. I wanted answers and yet here I was again like before, having more questions than answers.

But one thing was for sure, something happened in my past that was still haunting me, something that my parents were hiding.

And yet I didn't feel fazed, for some reason I was used to them hiding things from me. Maybe it was because they were ashamed or because they simply couldn't.

My father couldn't even  tell his own children that mommy ran away from him.