Regrets That Were Once Made

Chapter 37 ~ Words From Far Away

2nd of July 1795

~William's pov~

Yet again I was alone by myself. But instead of writing, I was searching through the whole house. Sure it seemed quite odd, but I had so many questions.

I really did want to be part of my father's organisation. But with everything he was hiding from me, I couldn't just continue my work.

And so, now with my parents out and my sister at a friend's place. It gave me the best opportunity to find out who was in charge of 'Mors ad coronam' and was dismantling monarchy really their goal.

My first place to check was to my father's office. I walked inside and started searching every single drawer. The study was quite bare, but there were several drawers situated around the room. I sighed slightly and started at the closest one. I moved my hand towards the metal handle and pulled it open to find a small golden ring.

I looked at the peculiar piece if jewellery and noticed something engraved on the inside. I quickly pulled out my father's chair and sat down inspecting the writing. As I looked closer the writing became more apparent.

Y/N & George 1776

My eyes widened slightly and something in my mind lingered. The only person I knew called Y/N was Frederick's mother, and if that was true then this was her wedding ring. I flinched back slightly and shoved the ring into my pocket. I shook out all the clouding thoughts in my mind and continued.

Pulling each drawer out and seeing what secrets they held. Documents, from my parents' wedding certificate to Jane and I's birth records. Everything was as expected.

Except for the darn ring which had no right in being there. I sighed slightly and decided to move on. I quickly scanned my eyes around the room and walked out shutting the door.

"Where to next?" I muttered slightly as I wandered through the hall. Soon a gust of wind blew by and my eyes narrowed towards my mother and fathers room. I shuddered slightly against the cold wind and bowed my head as I headed towards their room.

I opened the door slowly and felt my feet sink into the carpet. I held in my breath almost instinctively and let my feet gently trek over the ground. Slowly and surely I wandered around, searching through each drawer, nook and cranny, trying to find anything useful. Soon my eyes locked onto my parent's small bedside table and a small smirk formed on my face.

Perfect.

Creeping towards the drawer I felt anxiety creep behind me like a looming storm cloud. I breathed in deeply and pulled out the drawer, trying not to make even a single sound. I looked inside and saw nothing but a small and fancy piece of paper. I held the small card and read the small elegant writing.

Dear Ella Fredrick,

You are gladly honoured to join the wedding of Y/N L/N and King George William Frederick III on August the first. We'll be looking forward to your attendance and are pleased to celebrate the union of love between his Highness and his love.

I quickly dropped the card back into the drawer and felt something uneasy settle into my stomach. I quickly closed the drawer and looked down at my feet.

I sighed slightly and started to turn away until something grazed the foot that was under the bed. I furrowed my brow slightly and knelt down. I peaked my head under and saw a small red book tapered to the mattress. I looked at the object oddly and reached my hand closer as I pulled the book down.

My fingers dusted of the particles of fine dirt settled and I opened up the book to the first page.

A recollection of traumatic or otherwise stressful events experienced by Y/N L/N.

Ghostwritten by Samuel Seabury.

My eyes looked at the writing oddly and I flipped to the next page. The page was filled with paragraphs of writing explaining events. I sighed and started reading. This book could give me answers to all my questions.

13th of July 1779

Context: It has been more than a week since the subject of this book, Y/N L/N escaped her husband. This is our first entry so far.

The first dream I've had so far was something I never wanted to admit. It pains me slightly that I did such a thing but by explaining what happened, maybe it wouldn't be so bad.

It was the first thing I remember from the first few years of my marriage with George. For context, at the time of the incident, it had been a month since Samuel and Ella had left.

Now with them gone you could probably guess I wasn't completely ecstatic and to be honest at that time sometimes I felt as if ending it all would be a better option. I mean it didn't help that George was so demanding in our relationship. He always wanted physical affection and sometimes went too far with those endeavours.

Along with those nights I wished to forget, sometimes I'd have violent urges. They were mainly against George but God forbid the times when I wanted to harm my own son. I didn't hate my son and I never had but in those dark times of my life, I felt as his existence was the reason I had to endure everything George was putting me through at the time. And that was what led me to the incident.

It was a quiet night, the date was something I couldn't remember. It was after a party in which George decided to show off our son. He was very proud that day, and you could see it. But to me, I felt as if that was all he cared about. I realised in those moments where my son was more a trophy than a person that Frederick was the person keeping me chained up.

And so that night I pretended to be tired, I put on a fake smile and asked George if I could take Frederick with me and he agreed. And so, like a blur to me now, I took my son to my room and laid him down and then I cried, I don't know how long, but I distinctly remember a lot of tears.

During my breakdown, I could faintly remember the thoughts that were going through my mind. And somehow I decided to do what I did. I remember this part most vividly. I picked up the pillow next to Frederick and held it close to my chest. I remember staring down at my son and looking at him. His eyes were the thing that stood out to me the most. His icy blue eyes that mirrored his father.

I believe that something in my mind changed and I lowered the pillow towards Frederick's face. I don't know what drove me to do it except for his eyes but nonetheless, I kept the pillow still. Blocking the sir in which kept my child alive.

He could have suffocated to death that night but George to some miracle found me. I still remember lifting the pillow away from Frederick. But everything else after was a blur.

I only remember crying and screaming. Was it of pain or the sheer insanity of the moment? I can't recall.

All I can say now was that George became stricter after that. Everything was os regulated and I felt like a dog. A dog who he supposedly loved.

Love that was supposedly for my own good.

My hand shook slightly and I felt my breath slow down. Something that was many years in the past felt as if it was right now. I sighed slightly and flipped to the second last pages.

I laid the book out and I began reading the note written into the page.

To be published at a later date when King finally succeeds

I looked at the note almost completely fazed and began to read the last paragraph. I scanned the words trying to make sense of them until the last sentence of the paragraph and the book caught my eyes.

"It couldn't be-"