Acumen: Riddling Life

32. I'm sorry

'Besides, whoever keeps the future in front of him and the past at his back is doing something else that's hard to imagine. For the image implies that events somehow already exist in the future, reach the present at a determined moment, and finally come to rest in the past. But nothing exists in the future; it is empty; one might die at any minute. Therefore such a person has his face toward the void, whereas it is the past behind him that is visible, stored in the memory.'

I place the bookmark on the last line that I read and close the book. Leaning back into the love seat, I shut my eyes. A sigh escapes my lips.

It has been a tiring day. With the dramatic start, I regret saying those things to Adrien.

He didn't show up for lunch, nor for dinner. On the bright side, me and Arianna cycled around the city. Which ended with her shopping for more clothes than she needs. And I bought this book.

The assault by Harry Mulisch. One of the Netherlands' famous authors. Since we're in the Netherlands, it only felt suiting to read something from this country's author.

I rub my eyes and push myself up, walking to the desk, and placing the novel on its corner. I peek outside, the lights of the city twinkling like little electric stars. Though the pool appears depressing and lonely at this hour of the night.

My mind replays the things I told to Adrien. I got carried away. It would be an understatement naming what I said, selfish. I can't rid my memory of his expression, I had no right to hurt him. I wasn't expecting that reaction. Okay, I don't know what I was expecting, but not that.

I shouldn't have mentioned Jace, or the anxiety and depression part. It took me a good six months to accept I was clinically depressed, after the whole 'oops the drugs sent me to coma, rather than doing their work properly' incident.

You're gonna be lonely for the rest of your life and die alone, and nobody will give a fuck about it.

I press my forehead to the cool glass and stare outside.

Sophia was right. I wonder if my choice of words brought me here. Because, whenever I open my mouth and utter something, it either hurts or pisses off someone.

Twenty-one years old, and I still haven't learned how to talk without causing problems. It should be a freaking record.

That is why I avoid talking. Better to stay quiet than hurt others.

I'm aware I upset Theo. He hasn't called or texted after he left Geneva. Or maybe he's busy, I hope that would be the case, but that's stupidly optimistic.

But now, I just ruined everything. The entire trip will be awkward.

I exhale and lift my head from the window and walk to the bed. It's already 2 AM. I should try to sleep. For a moment I stare at my pills, considering if I should take the sleeping one, I ought to be as fresh and well-rested as I can.

The more exhausted I get, the lesser filters my words cross before being spoken out. And I've done enough damage, I cannot risk adding up to it anymore only because I'm tired.

I bend and pick the bottle containing the sleeping pills, just as I unscrew the lid, a loud knocking sound, that resembles banging, makes me stop.

I freeze, it's too late for anybody to show up. My heartbeat accelerates as I try to focus and listen to if there are any other sorts of noise behind the door.

With caution, I set down the bottle. And tiptoe towards the doorway. Even though I know anyone who is on the other side can't hear my breathing, it doesn't stop me from trying to breathe in and out as quietly as I can.