Acumen: Riddling Life

(53)Hurt [Adrien's POV]

I storm into my own cabin and slam the door.

I hate Eleanor Evans.

The words play in my head like a broken type as I kick the bed repeatedly.

How could she say that! Why wouldn't she want to live! How can she not care!

I pace the room, the sound of my ragged breathing fills the room.

She has everything. Perfect family, a degree, and money! What else does she want? How can someone not want to live while having everything out there that there is to have!

Of all people, how can she not understand the depth of death and what dying means? And why she wants to put everyone around her through that pain.

If I had stayed a second longer in her room, I would have said worse things. 

Her words hurt like hell. It's even more frustrating I don't have a valid or logical reason for it. I don't know why it hurt me that much. I hate her for having this effect on me.

It infuriates me how deeply her words plunged through me. I don't know what's happening to me.

It's her life, her choices, but why do I feel like she's betraying me in the worst ways possible? Pushing me into an affliction I've never experienced before.

I hate her for even considering dying, but that's not even practical. It's her fucking life and it's none of my business, but it torments me.

I used to believe I've gone through all sorts of pain a human can go through, but the pain caused by her words was different. It struck somewhere new, I didn't even know of its existence.

Similar to ten types of venomous snakes biting me, destroying me from the inside while knife after knife stabs my chest.

I was wrong, her eyes aren't like layered clouds, they are poisonous gas, suffocating and stifling anyone who gets close to her.

But yet, how can she say that? How can she think that way?

I lean to the dresser and push my hands through my hair, trying to calm my breathing.

I'm mad at myself for not knowing why her words hurt me. And I directed my rage and frustration at her, again.

Her presence causes a whirlwind in my head, messing with my thoughts, throwing all my logic and senses off balance. She disorients me.

And I hate myself for not being able to stop her from doing that, but I don't even know how she's doing it.

Each day it gets harder to pull off the cool act around her. I can't seem to be able to not care. I can't not notice how I feel like I'm standing next to the fucking sun when she smiles. It brightens my day, warms me from the inside, melting me. And burns me with the harsh reality of all the things that I want but can't have, because of my own stupidities.

I can't be that arrogant and indifferent Adrien around her. And that fucking terrifies me. It was my pride the full control I had and still have over my thoughts and emotions, but everything gets thrown out of the window when Eleanor walks into the room.

Her presence is a combination of feelings. The friction between the excitement and calmness she causes in me sets me on fire. The terrifying part is, I enjoy burning in that fire.

Shaking my head, I walk to the cupboard and pick a glass. I scan through the drinks' labels until I settle with the scotch and pour it into my glass. For a long moment, I stare at the orange liquid.

I hate how I lose control when Eleanor's in the picture, I lose the capability of thinking straight.

The words hurt me, the thought of her not wanting to live was agonizing. And these feelings terrified me. Not understanding the logical reason behind the pain enraged me. I got mad at myself, but I told her I hate her. Why am I so fucking stupid!