Into Darkness

Chapter 3

Ryler:

Another week has come and gone and I have to say not much has changed. I'm still not sleeping and consistently having nightmares. I still wasn't able to open up in therapy, but Dr. Roberts cut me some slack because she knew I was trying. Classes at least are going well and I haven't had any more run-ins with Austin, which is good.

Nikki is trying to convince me to go out to eat with her tonight, but I'm apprehensive. I know it may seem ridiculous, but being in public now is frightening to me. I'm always terrified someone will either recognize me or that the guy who wants to kill me will somehow see me. So I live like a hermit. Unfortunately for me, Nikki seems hell bent on getting me to go out tonight.

"It's time we start going out and living like people again. I'm not suggesting anything crazy, just a quiet dinner. I think Dr. Roberts would think this is a great idea."

I'm sure she would, but I don't tell Nikki that. She doesn't need any more encouragement.

"C'mon, I already picked you out an outfit. It's on your bed. Now be a good girl and put on so we can go."

I hesitate as I think about stepping out into the real world. The closest I have gotten to that is this college campus, and for the first several months here I wouldn't eat in the dining hall. Being around people makes me anxious and puts me on edge. I hate it, but maybe it's time I start trying to conquer my fears. I walk towards my bed and pick up the outfit and change my clothes. Once I'm done Nikki forces me to put a little make-up on and then we head out.

As we drive to the restaurant I focus on remaining calm even though every instinct in my body is screaming at me to be anything but relaxed. My heart is racing and my palms are sweaty. My breath hitches every now and then and I try my hardest to take in deep even breaths. I don't want to have a panic attack. I've managed to go six months now without one.

"We're here" Nikki says as we pull into the parking lot. "Ready?" she asks as she parks the car and removes her seatbelt.

I robotically nod because I'm afraid if I open my mouth I'll spew my insides everywhere. I remove my seatbelt and open my car door and get out of the car. Somehow I begin walking even though I'm unaware how. I don't feel like I'm in my body. None of this feels real. I'm numb and yet hyperaware of everything at the same time.

I notice people lingering in the parking lot and walking to their cars. I hear them talking and laughing like they don't have a care in the world. My heart races even faster and I'm certain that everyone can hear it beating. I feel like it's not even in my chest anymore, but instead it is on display for the world to see.

Before I know it we are at the entrance of the restaurant and before we walk inside I feel Nikki grab my hand and give it a reassuring squeeze. That one touch manages to help ease me, even if it was only for a moment. When she lets go though the world comes crashing down on me again and I'm having trouble breathing. We walk into the restaurant and I hear the hostess greet us but I can't focus enough to say anything to her. Next thing I know I'm following Nikki and the hostess to a table. As we walk by people I feel like they are all staring at me. I feel like they all know what happened to me. It's as if I've been branded and they can see how I'm broken beyond repair, how I'm marked for death.

Dammit Ryler, you need to chill. No one can tell what happened to you. Most of these people probably aren't even staring at you. Stop being paranoid.

Once we are seated the hostess leaves us so we can look over our menus. I mechanically pull mine up to my face, but I can't read a thing, and I'm not even hungry.

"Ryler are you okay?" I hear Nikki ask me. "You don't look so good." There is concern in her voice and when I look into her eyes I can see worry clear on her face.

"I'm okay" I lie and my voice comes out shaky. To be honest it doesn't even sound like my voice to me.

"Are you sure Ry?" she asks. "Cause we can leave. Just say the word and we're gone."

I know she means it and I know she never meant for me to feel this way when she basically forced me to come out tonight. She's the best friend anyone could ever ask for, so I can do this. I can suck it up for her.

"I'm sure" I say and this time my voice sounds more like me as I manage to calm myself down a little bit.

She gives me a skeptical look, but before she can say anything thing else our waiter comes over and takes our drink orders. I don't look him in the eye when I talk to him even though it's a little rude, but now I hardly ever look people in the eye. I'm always too afraid someone will recognize me or that they'll be able to see how broken and damaged I am on the inside. So I avoid eye contact.

When he walks away I hear Nikki giggle. "He was totally checking you out" she says when our eyes meet.

"He was not" I say as I feel heat rise to my cheeks.

"He definitely was" she says not letting it go so I stop arguing with her because it's pointless, but I do roll my eyes.

We look over the menu and when the waiter returns with our drinks we order our food and the whole time I'm hyperaware of his eyes on me. I try to ignore it but I can feel them all over me and my skin feels like it's on fire and not in a good way. I feel trapped under his gaze. I squirm in my seat and peer up at him and he smiles appreciatively at me before walking away with our orders.

"Are you okay?" Nikki asks once he's gone.

"Yea" I say shaking off the weird feelings. "I just didn't like the way he was staring at me. You know I don't like being stared at."

"He was only looking at you like that because he thinks you're gorgeous, which you are" Nikki says as she takes a sip of her drink. "I know you have good reasons why you don't like being in public and as to why you don't like being stared at, but not every person who looks at you is thinking bad things Ry. Most of them are probably thinking good things, and I just don't want you to miss out on all the good things in life."

I know she's right. I know there are more good people than bad people in this world. I also know that I don't want to miss out on all the good things in life either, but until she's been through what I've been through she'll never truly understand the way that I feel. I would never say that to her though. I will not make her feel bad because I was kidnapped and almost murdered while she wasn't. I pray to God that she never goes through something like I did.

I nod to acknowledge that I agree with her. "I know" I say quietly. "I'm going to try harder. I really am."

She smiles warmly at me and I can tell that this promise for me to try harder means the world to her. Even if trying ends up sucking really bad, knowing that I made her happy right now will make it all worth it. Nikki gave up her life back in New York for me. The least I could do for her here is to try and have a semblance of a life.

The rest of dinner goes smoothly and by the end I'm actually able to look the waiter in the eye. It didn't last long but I did it, and when I did I was able to see that there wasn't any ill intention in his eyes like Nikki said. He really was just checking me out.

We leave the restaurant and walk back to Nikki's car and she drives us back to campus. As we drive I feel the hairs on the back of my neck perk up and an unsettling feeling comes over me. I look in the side view mirror and see that no one is behind us and I feel a little better. Once we get back to campus and begin walking back to the dorms I try to shake off the feeling that I'm being watched. I look all around and I don't see any students nearby and there definitely isn't anyone staring at us. I also don't see anyone who looks out of place. Most importantly I don't see him, but just because I don't see him doesn't mean he isn't here. He watched me for months before and I never knew.

When we get back to the dorms Nikki tells me she's proud of me and it's nice to hear. I'm proud of me too. As I change into my pajamas I manage to push away the feelings I had in the car and while walking in the parking lot. I think about telling Nikki, but decide against it because I don't want to worry her since it is more than likely nothing. I'll just pay more attention the next few days and if I notice the feeling again I'll say something.

As I climb into my bed later I continue to tell myself that it's nothing, but for some reason a voice deep inside me whispers that that's a lie.