Into Darkness

Chapter 4

Ryler:

I'm happy to report that another week has come and gone and I have yet to have that horrible feeling of being watched again. I really probably was just overreacting since I was under the stress of going out in public. All my senses were already in overdrive and that's probably what caused the sensation that someone was watching me.

I'm headed to therapy now and I'm hoping that today's session goes better than the last two. I really do want to start opening up. It's just really hard to actually do it, but I guess wanting it is the first step. It's taken me over two years to get to this point. I really hope it doesn't take another two before I can open up about what happened to me beyond the details I have already shared.

"Good morning Ryler" Dr. Roberts says to me in her usual cheery tone.

"Morning" I reply back still not half as cheerful as she is, but I'm working on it. I take my regular seat across from her desk and as usual I find myself fidgeting with the sleeves of my shirt. I hate feeling nervous.

"So how are you Ryler?" she asks me as she settles back into her chair so we can get started. Now normally when a person asks this question you can get away with some bullshit answer like 'I'm fine' or 'good', but you can't do this in therapy. When Dr. Roberts asks me this I know she's asking because she really wants to know. So I have to give a full and complete description of how I'm doing. I used to always go with one of the bullshit answers, but I'm trying to improve.

I take a deep breath before I answer. "I'm doing okay" I start off. "This week's been going pretty well so far. Classes are good." I pause as I try to think of more things to add, but I come up empty. I don't feel like mentioning how I'm still not sleeping. I'm really not doing to great at this whole turning over a new leaf in therapy thing.

When she realizes I'm not going to add anything else to my response Dr. Roberts speaks up, "That's good Ryler". She smiles gently at me and I can tell this is her signaling to me that she knows I'm trying. Failing, but trying. "How have you been sleeping?" she asks casually.

My stomach drops. I was really hoping she wouldn't ask this. She went easy on me last session and didn't ask, but I guess I wasn't going to be as lucky today. I swallow deeply before replying and I make sure I make eye contact and that I don't fidget.

"I've been sleeping alright" I say vaguely.

She pauses for a beat studying me and I feel my cheeks flush under her gaze. Dammit. "About how many hours a night would you say?"

Crap. She knows. She can see right through me and she knows I've been sleeping even less these last couple weeks. "Uh, maybe like five or six hours" I say. That's a reasonable lie. I mean five hours isn't really a lot, sure it's a lot more than the two or three I usually sleep, but it could explain the bags under my eyes without warranting medication.

She purses her lips and nods her head a few times and I know she's debating whether or not to call my bull. Please just let it slide I silently beg.

"That's not really a lot" she says. "You should really try to get at least seven if not eight Ryler. You need rest. If it gets worse let me know and we can figure out something else to help you sleep."

I smile thanking her for cutting me some slack just this once. "Okay" I say.

"Is the lack of sleep do to nightmares?" she asks casually again.

I groan inside because this is another question I was hoping to avoid. I'm really not ready to talk about my nightmares. I don't even like to think about them.

"No" I say quickly. Too quickly. Dr. Roberts lifts an eyebrow as she looks at me and I squirm. "Yes" I finally whisper in defeat. "But I'm not ready to talk about them."