Into Darkness

Chapter 18

Ryler:

I tried not to wallow too much around Nikki after what happened with Colt, but it was difficult. It was especially difficult because a part of me was desperate to tell her, but I couldn't bring myself to. I knew Colt wouldn't want me to tell her and I didn't want to betray him. Besides, I had a feeling that it was never going to happen again so I guess there wasn't really anything to tell. It was a slip. A minor lapse in judgment and his control. Needless to say, I was miserable.

Colt and I didn't talk much the next day and I was disappointed when he texted me to tell me he was cancelling our training session that morning. It was obvious why. I just wished he would talk to me about it instead of avoiding me. I tried giving him multiple opportunities to address the situation but he never took the bait. It looked like it would fall on me to be the mature adult here.

It's now Tuesday and Colt and I have gone through our morning and afternoon together already. He has been unbearably distant and quiet and it's killing me. Even Nikki commented on how weird he has been acting the past couple days. I tried to act like I hadn't noticed.

Colt and I are now in the library together stacking books as per usual and after spending the past two hours in pure silence with him in the stacks I honestly feel like I'm going to lose my mind. I abruptly spin around to face him, feeling suddenly desperate to confront him so maybe things will go back to normal.

"Talk to me" I blurt out my voice pleading and desperate, and I hate how pathetic I have become when it comes to this man.

I see his eyes soften for a fraction of a second before they harden again. "Hi" he says lamely.

I roll my eyes feeling frustrated. "Ha, very funny" I deadpan. "You know what, maybe you and Manning should switch places if you can't handle being around me. It's obvious that you're miserable."

His eyes grow darker as he steps towards me and once again I have a feeling I should be afraid but I'm not. "Absolutely not" he says darkly.

"Why?" I ask feeling confused and breathless because his closeness is making everything foggy.

"You know I can't let you out of my sight" he says his voice low and filled with pain and desperation.

I break eye contact and take a step away from him because I can't think straight when he is looking at me that way. I run a hand through my hair feeling agitated and so confused because I have no idea what he wants from me.

"Is that because you were hired to keep me safe or because you care about me?" I ask. It's a bold question but I can't help but ask it. I'm sick of dancing around the topic of his feelings for me. I need to know how much of the way he has been acting is because he cares about me or because it's his job to protect me. I didn't think it mattered but as I stood here now I realized it does.

He remains quiet for a long time as he continues to stare at me unmoving except for the slight twitch of his hand that I notice and it's like he is fighting to stay where he is and not come over to me. Finally he sighs, sounding frustrated as he rubs his hand over his hair and neck. "Why does it matter?"

"Because it does" I whisper back needing him to give me this.

He looks at me and his eyes soften again for a second and I see him starting to give in. "You know I can't do this" he says his voice coming out strong but pained. "This can't happen. You know that."

"I know" I whisper as I feel that familiar ache every time we have this conversation. "I still need to know though."

He sighs again but then goes quiet and I patiently wait for him to speak again. "I took this assignment because of my sister" he starts off whispering. "You know that, but then I saw you." He pauses and laughs quietly for a second as if remembering. "I wasn't prepared for how beautiful you were going to be. I told myself it wouldn't be a problem though, but then I started to get to know you. I started to see how smart, sweet, funny, strong, and vulnerable you could be, and suddenly the idea of anything happening to you became unbearable to me. I know I'm overbearing and too protective, but I can't stay away from you because I need for you to be safe." The pain and longing in his voice is nearly my undoing. I knew he cared about me but to hear him talk about me like this was indescribable. It was beautiful and sad. Tragic. Just like my life.