Scarred

25.Scars Are Deep

Clary pov

He had taken such good care of me that it almost felt like a fairy-tale. He had seen me in every single state and not for a second did he look at me differently, like I am disgusting.

All my life I have been broken. All my life I have been treated in-humanly and yet here he was laying beside me protecting me as if I deserved it.

I screamed internally for everything that I had been wrong about and all the pain that I had been inflicted on me: my reasons for why I was and am damaged.

One thing is for sure, my damaged heart and soul would not be capable of love or accept the love given to me. I might not be destroyed by love but I would not want to destroy Jace because I couldn't return it.

I am shattered for eternity. Jace does not deserve someone like me because he deserves the world.

Love can be beautiful. Valentine was wrong about that because it is amazing. At least for those that are good enough for it. That does not include me.

I am meant to walk alone. That's why I have to lose him before I obliterate myself and him.

Tears blurred my vision as I looked one last time at him. A forever goodbye is the one that would finish me at last but it was what needed to be done.

I turned towards him, for the last time taking a look at his breath-taking features. Such an angel may never be forgotten even if I let go of him. And then run. Run as far away as possible.

How much I wanted to stay and caress his cheek or perhaps feel his soft lips again but then I would never be able to turn away so now is my best chance.

"I think you should leave." I said abruptly, breaking the silence that had formed between us ever since he carried me to bed and had layed me down. Ever since he massaged my shoulders, wary of my back and ever since I realised that having all of this would mean that I am ruthless and so I need to restrain myself.

"What?" Jace nearly shouted, standing up from the bed to make even more of a point.

"Please leave. Now!" Facing him would end me so I just looked down. My cold voice returning and my face as blank as a canvas to at least try and look convincing. "Just stay away from me."

"And why would I ever do that?" He lost himself to anger. "I am sick and tired of you running, and hiding from me- from everybody. I just can't get you. I mean one minute you reveal your whole self to me, and the  horrors you have endured and the next you shut me out like a total stranger. You are a ruin and chaos in your visionary but you're lovely in my eyes, especially when you let me see within your harsh walls. But what you are doing now is closing yourself off as if I haven't seen everything, I can't nor will ever let you go now that I have you back. " His blind fury soothed into a pleading tone and finally I peered over to see the vulnerability lying on his face. It was for the first time that I actually noticed it and now it was impossible for me to flee into the shadows.

Goddammit I thought to myself. How could I leave him? No matter how much I want to run, I would not want to leave perhaps the only person keeping me sane. Even so I could not giving the impression that I gave into his begging.

"What you're trying to do is the impossible. You can't glue one hundred pieces of crystal. Shattered does not begin to describe me. Maybe deep down I have always been broken and dark inside since the very beginning and will be for like that till the very bitter end. Are you so blind to not realise that? " Raw emotions spilled during my last sentence and then salty droplets dropped from the corners of my eyes. A picture of devastation smeared across my face and soon the few tumbling tears stopped right before they dropped onto my shirt.