Turning The Page

Eighty Five

"D-Daddy?" Blinking myself awake without actually hearing the alarm is always strange... But I know that Daddy wouldn't ever let it startle me awake... He knows its too loud sometimes... And he always seems to know on the days where it will be the loudest...

The days where he wakes me up with a kissy that makes my head spin because I'm still up in my clouds from the night before... 

And it had certainly been a night... 

A night where Daddy seemed more like himself...

A night where Daddy reduced me to nothing but a pile of melted ashes with how thoroughly he took care of me... How carefully he placed me up on that high shelf of clouds that he knows I adore so much...

Daddy wakes me up just as carefully the next morning because he knows I'm still going to be all floaty because he never fails to hold me all night long, even after the two of us collapse into each other... He always keeps his knot buried deep inside of me as we drift off, and I never have to worry about him letting me go in the middle of the night because I know he won't... Daddy loves me and always wants to hold me... 

The question is now whether or not Daddy will actually get us up out of bed for the day so we can get dressed and head down for breakfast before our not-so-kind hosts explain what exactly the last day of the conference is really reserved for since they left the pamphlet with nothing more than a description containing 'last day discussions'. I don't know what that means and neither did Daddy or the others and at the moment... All cuddled up and warm? 

I'm not sure I actually care. 

...

Silas

...

How the hell am I supposed to get up and get out of bed when my sweet Princess wakes up so perfectly for me?  

When he opens those stunning blue eyes of his only after he makes sure to kiss me back... No longer concerned with his morning breath the way he once was... No longer shy or confused by my presence when he comes to... 

My stunningly perfect mate always manages to leave me in awe on any normal day, especially in the mornings when he is sleepy without a care in the world... But waking up together after making love all night after confirming that I do indeed think that my sweet glowing Bean is with child... 

It had moved me past the point of even attempting to lay him down so I can climb down his body and wake him up with head like I like waking him up... Like I know he likes... Because I can't not hold him right now... 

I need the mother of my children in my arms right now... I need to hold him and see his sweet face... I need to know that he is more than okay... I need to be able to see his face and feel his weight against me at the moment. I need to know that he's safe, and that our baby is safe... And while I don't necessarily need to hold him in order to know that he and our Bean are safe... On my end I feel like holding him is the physical reassurance that I need in order to feel confident in my ability to keep him safe. And I will continue to need him in my arms, even after our bundle of joy gets delivered... The only difference that'll happen after that is that I'll be holding the two most important people in the whole world...

The two people who absolutely make up my whole world... 

And just the thought that at the moment I am actually holding them both? 

While my sweetheart floats for me on the clouds we spent so much time crafting for him last night as a thank you to him for caring for me this week and shouldering so much of the stress by keeping the extent of the discomfort caused by his heat quiet... Something he should have never felt like he had to do in the first place... 

Its a moment that makes me so emotional I can't even answer him when he starts to question why we're just sitting here instead of getting up and starting our day... I can only lean down and capture his lips again to try and express to him just how much he means to me... 

Only for my sweet Addy to pull away first, something that he never does, and bring one of his soft hands up to my cheek so he can settle his precious palm in the most delicate caress, his thumb stroking just underneath my eye as his own peepers seem to try and take in all of me, examining my face in a way that almost makes me feel shy... "It's okay, Daddy... I know you love us. Both of us. It's nice when you say it out loud, but sometimes its okay if you don't have the words... Sometimes I don't have them either... And little Sj won't necessarily be ready to talk anytime soon either... So its okay."

He absolutely still sounds sleepy, and his tone of voice absolutely tells me that he is still in his small headspace, up in his clouds... But that only makes the words all that much precious... Even if they do make me realize that the protective walls I normally have up so softly placed between us are gone... 

I had dropped all of my guard last night to allow him completely into my head last night... To allow him to actually feel the emotions I don't have words for... For him to know just how much he and our child mean to me, and how much they will always mean to me... And it's with a smile on my face when another sudden realization comes... 

I didn't put my walls back up because they were never meant to be between the two of us anyway. 

Yes... I wanted to shield him from my sourness and the overwhelming presence of the pack.. 

But there is more there than just my sourness and the inconcvient bubble at the base of my skull that connects us both so strongly to the pack we are here representing... 

And even if there wasn't..

He accepts me for me just as much as I accept him for being the amazing person he is... And I trust that he will tell me if he needs help... Or if he needs a break. 

My sweet Bean is more than capable of loving me in his own way, and I want him to know just how much I love him back...

 Every second of every single day.