Memories of You (Completed)

Chapter 40

Why does life need to be this hard for me? I always lose someone I don't want to lose. Life is just so unfair to me. Why?

Masakit iyong maglibing ng taong mahal mo, pero mas masakit pa pala ang maglibing ng taong hindi mo gustong malayo sayo.

It's like they're going on a long long journey, but wouldn't come back anymore. That's what makes it so painful and heartbreaking.

“Magpahinga ka muna, Blythe. Hindi magugustuhan ng lola mo na ganyan ka.” Sabi sakin ni mommy saka niya tinapik ang balikat ko.

Pero umiling ako at ngumiti, sinusubukang pigilan ang sariling umiyak dahil ipinangako ko 'yon kay Lola. Hindi ako iiyak sa libing niya o kahit sa lamay niya. Ngingiti ako....iyon ang ipinangako ko. Pero hindi ko alam kung hanggang kailan ko kakayaning pigilan ang sarili kong umiyak.

Lola was not just a grandmother to me, but she was indeed a great mother. When everyone turn their backs on me, she was there for me. When no one wanted to understand me, she was there to lend me her ears. When no one sees me as who I am, she was there and made me feel like I was the only one she was seeing.

“Hindi siya umalis sa tabi ko kahit kailan mommy. Kaya hindi ko rin siya iiwan.”

Iyon lang ang alam kong isagot.

Hindi ko alam pero habang hawak-hawak ko itong naka-frame na litrato ni Lola ay nakatitig ako sa kabaong niya. Hindi ko maiwasang alalahanin ang lahat lahat mula pagkabata.

Naalala ko non, way back Grade 3 ako. Nagsusuka ako non, halos lahat ng kinakain ko eh sinusuka ko. Sobrang nag-alala si Lola non, tinakbo niya ko sa hospital. She called for my mom and dad, but both of them were busy sa work. Inintindi ko pa din. Sabi ko ayos lang, nandiyan naman si Lola para alagaan ako.

Alala ko din non, way back Grade 5. Nutrition month and everyone was having their lunch prepared by their parents, habang ako parang kawawang batang nawawala. But suddenly my Lola appeared before me, she was holding a lunchbox and I swear it made me cry because of too much happiness.

I was Grade 7 back then, napatawag ako sa Guidance Office dahil naglaslas ako. I don't know the real reason either. Was it because I was craving for my parents' attention or was I just trying to cut wrists because I want to find out if does it hurt? Hindi ko alam. Pero nung dumating si Mommy noon, binungangaan niya kaagad ako. She didn't even bother asking me if I am okay. Kung masakit ba yung sugat o hindi. Hindi niya tinanong. But when I got gome, akala ko papagalitan din ako ni Lola, pero hindi. Kinuha niya iyong panggamot sa sugat and took me to my room. While she was cleaning and treating my wounds, she asked me first if I was okay. Siya lang....siya lang iyong nagtanong sakin kung okay lang ba ako. Kung bakit ko ba ginawa 'yon. Tinanong niya ko na kalmado lang at hindi sinisigawan. Sinubukan niyang intindihin kung saan ako nanggagaling.

Kaya masasabi ko, iba magmahal ang mga grandparents, lalo na ang mga Lola. Hindi ganun kababaw ang pagmamahal nila kundi mas malalim pa sa pinakamalalim na balon. Hindi matutumbasann. Hindi malalampasan. Iba magmahal ang mga Lola.

When my parents weren't there to take care of me, love me, and be a parent to me....my Lola was there. She was there.

But now....she's gone, forever. Hindi ko na siya makikita ulit. Hindi ko na siya makakasama ulit. Hindi ko na siya mahahawakan ulit. Hindi ko na maririnig ang boses niya ulit. Ni hindi man lang niya maaabutan ang kasal ko. Ang lungkot.

“Love, wala ka pang tulog. Magpahinga ka kaya muna?” bigla ay bulong sakin ni Colm pagkaupo niya sa tabi ko.

Umiling ulit ako at tumanggi. Ayoko....ayokong umalis dito. Dito lang ako. Dito lang ako sa malapit kay Lola. Ayokong umalis.