My Spirit Love (phan)

二十七 - 𝓣𝓱𝓮 𝓣𝓻𝓾𝓽𝓱

It was October of 2008, when Phil lied coddled in his duvet on the sofa, with his boyfriend beside him and a drawn-out look of concern against his features. The spirit saw through the masks his best friend put up, no matter how many were worn: it was the curse of knowing each other since they were seven. They spotted the behaviour patterns of the other, before they realised themselves.

Dan shuffled closer, his body moving through the mound of material until his eyes were only inches away from Phil's. He'd noticed the diminishing effort put into his daily tasks and the slow decreases to generic health activities such as showering and eating. The spirit couldn't tell if it was physical sickness or the weight of an unknown future, "Talk to me." Dan pushed, nudging his nose against Phil's.

The older boy chuckled, shaking his head, "I'm fine."

Dan sighed, "What is it?"

Phil let out a breath laugh again, "I'm just...trying to make sure everything works out. The book, as well, getting that published is weighing down on me a bit."

"Well we have three publishers who want it..."

"I know, I know...It's just another thing. I'm really happy with it, I'm so proud of us."

"It's just yet another thing." Dan repeated.

Phil nodded, "And then there's Mum asking what I'm doing in terms of everything else. You know she doesn't even know we're publishing?" he sickered.

Dan swallowed, lifting his legs onto the sofa so his head was on Phil's lap, "Do you think both our names will be on the cover?" he twisted his fingers above his nose.

"I want them to be, I'll message the publishers and if there's one that will, I guess we've made our choice." he shrugged, smiling as he brought his lips to Dan's.

They pulled away after a moment, the spirit looking feebly up at the black-haired boy, as he whispered, "I'm terrified."

"Me, too." Phil croaked.

"I want to know we're safe, but these next five years feel so..."

"Unsteady?"

"Yeah."

"We'll work it out, Dan." Phil reassured him, although he had his own doubts fogging his mind.

"And Martyn's still helping us with sponsors and stuff..."

"So I'm saving money up in case anything goes wrong." Phil sighed, running his hand across Dan's hair, "You will be alright."

The spirit scrunched his nose, lowering his hands to his sides and beaming his eyes into Phil's pits of blue, "But you won't be?"

"Why not?" Phil asked, his speech absent of expression.

"No, I'm not saying you won't be. You said it as though you wouldn't be." Dan corrected. Phil shrugged, so the brown-haired boy sat up, turning back towards the other boy, "You will be." he whispered, "Please. We can't do this again."

"We're not doing it again-"

"We are!" Dan screeched, "You just don't see it. You start doubting, you then wish you weren't a burden on me and then you lash out on us. Phil, last year you walked out that door and I was more hopeless than I would've been dead." he wept, his voice raising in pitch with each word.

"What do you want me to say?" Phil chanted, "That I'm okay? That I don't have a worry in the world and I have everything under control? I want to say that, Dan, I really do. But I don't want to lie to you."

The spirit nodded, turning away and standing up, letting the light from the windows guide his way out of the room as he left to go upstairs. Dan wasn't annoyed or frustrated, he was hopeless. He felt completely powerless, because he was. The only thing more painful than watching Phil spiral each day was knowing the only thing he could do to help him was to talk to him. It was something, but it wasn't escaping to the beach or holding him in his arms as he wept. Some things couldn't be replaced.

He feared one day he'd find Phil strawn across the bathroom floor, and the only thing he could do to help was cry and stroke his fringe. He doesn't even know if he could get help from his parents, even if they were only in the room next door.

That's what he meant when he felt hopeless, because he well and truly was. No amount of lying could cover that up.

Phil stayed curled on the sofa, the TV running in the background as Katherine's keys unlocked the front door. She entered, placing her handbag on the kitchen side and furrowing her aging features towards Phil, "Everything alright?" she asked her sickly-looking son.

"Yeah." he nodded, lying to his mother.

"Okay, mind helping me carry through a box? I've got a new cabinet for the bathroom that your dad's going to put up later." she smiled, walking towards the doorway again.

"Sure." Phil nodded, discarding his sheets and treading his way to the boot of the car. He heaved it out of the vehicle, lifting it across his torso and stepping backwards so his mum could close the door and lock it. He bounced it, trying to pull it into a more comfortable position, but the weight of it kept pulling it down, "I've got it." he lied again.

Katherine walked ahead of him, closing the front door behind him and telling him to place it by the bottom of the stairs. He did so, his head going light from when he lent down to let the heavy box fall against the carpet, and when he stood up the hallway spun around him.

"Phil, you really don't look great," Katherine sighed, "You need to try and eat more, I've not seen you properly in the kitchen for a while now, and sleep...are you getting enough?" she rambled, placing the back of her palm against his paling forehead.

"Yeah, I'm fine-" but his words were pulled out of his throat and the pressure of his brain pushed against the sides of his head until it dragged him to the floor.

"Phil-!" Katherine called out as he felt her arms wrap around his shoulders, gently lying him down. He pulled his elbows over his eyes, groaning away from the light. She sighed, tucking a coat under his knees to get the blood back to his head as she effortlessly rambled, "I'm done with this, Phil. You said Dan's helping you and that you love each other, but you're just killing each other at this point! It's not healthy. It's not that he's a spirit and you're a human, not anymore. If he was a human I'd be saying the same bloody thing. You two being together isn't healthy." she huffed, leaving him with tears in his eyes on the floor of the corridor to fill him a glass of water. She soon passed it to him, helping him sit up and take a sip of it, "How are you feeling now?"

"Shit." he truthfully cursed, looking away from her judgemental stare.

"What are we going to do about this, Phil?"

"I don't bloody know, Mum!" he spat, darting his eyes towards her, "If I knew, I'd fucking do it. I love him, I really do, and he loves me. But knowing we're trapped here for the rest of our bloody lives with no where else to go and no stability, it's tiring! I want to get out this house and move somewhere else with him but it's not bloody possible." he downed the last of the water and dumped the cup to the side, his chest rising and falling.

"You've fucked up." he heard a Dan quietly whisper from the bannister of the stairs. Phil twisted his eyebrows at his boyfriend, turning back to Katherine who had a confused glance above her cheeks.

"Of course you can go elsewhere, Phil. I'll help you, if you want. You're not trapped here."

He groaned, "I am because Dan can't fucking move from..." he looked back at his best friend whose features were crinkled in pain and water filling the corners of his eyes, "his place of death..." he regretfully finished.

"Dan can't move with you?" Katherine confirmed. Phil shook his head, the truth spilling at last.