Bad Decisions - Alex Turner

53. Amélie

For the first time, the world had stopped moving.

I didn't sleep a wink that night. I couldn't. Not even from exhaustion. Right when I thought I'd built myself back up I fell apart like never before. Alex tried to hold me and calm me and do whatever he could but I just couldn't stop screaming and crying. I had gone into hysteria. We were on the floor for hours. Alex hugging me tight as I cried and cried into his chest, shaking and choking on my tears.

I can't even remember those first few days. I was in so much pain I couldn't even numb it out but as a coping mechanism, I must've erased the majority of it from my mind.

Émilio had to tell Alex what happened. I couldn't let it slip from my lips. Not for weeks. When Al found out, it looked as though all the light had died within him and he held me tighter than he ever had before. He'd begun crying too.

"I'm so sorry, baby," he said to me, clinging onto me for dear life. "I'm so so sorry O."

"No, no no no no," I cried into his chest. I couldn't utter any other word. Nothing felt real and with reality's disappearance went every word I had left to say.

We flew to Oregon the next day. I hid in the bathroom for the majority of the flight, trying to get a hold of reality and sobbing into my palms until I physically couldn't cry any more. I wanted to scream. I wanted to shout at whatever in the universe decided to let this happen and why it had to be permanent and why it had to happen. I couldn't bare that it was irreversible. It wasn't a nightmare I could just wake up from. It was all real. And there was nothing I could do to change it.

Nothing hurt worse than seeing my family and having to witness the look on their faces. Maman was broken to pieces. Émilio and Papa were trying to remain stoic, helping Alex with our bags, but I could tell they were hurting just as much.

"Orion," Maman exhaled, wrapping her arms tight around me as I began sobbing into her shoulder.

"Maman," I wept like a child, squeezing her tight and praying for all of this to go away. This can't be real. This shouldn't be happening. Please wake up. Please, please, please wake up.

"She was such a lovely girl," Maman cried, "she loved you so much."

  I was supposed to call her that month. I hadn't spoken to her since my birthday. Two months. I shouldn't have listened to her. I should've called sooner. I don't know why but I was convinced that if I had, I could've stopped this all from happening. Alex tried to remind me it wasn't and physically couldn't be my fault but I could shake the horrible feeling that it was. I'm her big sister. And I was supposed to protect her and be there for her. And I had failed.

  Tour had been delayed two weeks. For the funeral. Alex had refused to leave my side.

  He was so strong. Never once falling short or stepping back for himself as I dissolved in his arms every single day. His neck sticky with tears and eyes dark with exhaustion as were mine. He was there for every. Single. Moment that I needed him, and more. Only his arms could bring any sort of calm to the hurricane tearing me apart from the inside out.

  By the second day in Oregon, I'd lost my voice. I wanted to be strong too like I know she would've wanted me to, but I just couldn't. Even with warning I don't think I ever could've been.

  I felt violently sick at the thought of never hearing her voice again. Never seeing her face. Nor her smile. Never being able to talk endlessly to her about things I could only confine within her heart. Never hearing her bicker with Lio and I at the dinner table, or tease me about whatever she saw fit.

  I refuse to believe that what happened was anything more than a pure act of accidental evil. Resentment and blame wouldn't bring her back and so I chose never to fall down those tainted routes. But the sheer pain of it all lingered for every moment I spent both asleep and awake.