Bad Decisions - Alex Turner

20. Sculptures In The Deep End

  I'd been having doubts since the moment Christian left for San Fransisco. It had gotten to the point where I was no longer internalising everything and had finally been voicing myself to Saorise and Jackson separately. Both of them told me I should tell Christian that we needed a break if I wasn't going to break up with him but as soon as he came home, even bringing up the secrets in my heart seemed impossible.

  I was honestly considering saying to him that we needed to talk because ever since the whole thing at Alex's party I hadn't been able to think straight about anything. But then came my college graduation and Christian was the most perfect boyfriend I could have asked for. When he came home from San Fran he was a bit distant for awhile and I thought it would be the right time for me to express myself and then out of nowhere he was visiting me left right and center, spoiling me, taking me out on dates that didn't go shit and when my parents came to LA for my graduation, took us all out for dinner.

  He was exactly the boyfriend my parents thought he was and his gestures towards them only inflated their adoration for him. Maman even pulled me aside the night before I graduated asking if Christian and I were going to take any step further. I wouldn't admit it out loud but I felt sick when she said that. The type of sick you feel when your stomach drops and your skin runs cold all over. Panic.

It was me, Christian, Maman, Papa, Émilio and Amélie all out at dinner the night I finally left all that shit from college behind. They'd all come down from Oregon to see me graduate and celebrate with me.

  It was the biggest weight off my shoulders but also absolutely terrifying because now I had to construct my life all by myself. I had no more classes to keep me in check, no more assignments or exams to study for. It was being a goldfish tossed into the ocean, hoping you could adapt and survive instead of drowning.

"Hey," Christian said, putting a hand on my leg, "what's wrong with you? You're supposed to be celebrating today. You should be proud of yourself."

I forced a smile and nodded, "I know. It's just...it's a lot to take in."

"You're scaring yourself," Christian said softly and shook his head, "you're gonna be fine, just like everyone else." He gave me a kiss on the cheek and lifted his glass, getting my family to join in a toast towards me finally graduating and getting my degree.

My family however, made it very easy to celebrate. It was a tame dinner but I was already booked to go out the next night with my friends to celebrate a little more 'chaotically'. I'd invited Alex and his whole crew incase they wanted to come to my graduation, never expecting them to show since it was such a boring ceremony anyway, but unfortunately they were all in the studio all day so couldn't make it.

  Amie was taking the opportunity to tell me all about her on-again-off-again high school boyfriend and ask me for advice on what she should do about the whole thing. As if I'd be any good when it came to relationship advice. Christian on the other hand, butted in and began telling Amie to do this that and the other. Saying, and I quote: "If he keeps breaking up with you and trying to get back together, he's treating you like shit. You deserve better Ames, dump his ass and find someone else. Don't let this asshole break your heart."

I couldn't help but laugh.

"What?" Christian looked to me as Amie's attention turned to Émilio, hitting his arm as he tried to steal some food off her plate.

"Nothing," I said.

"Why'd you laugh?" asked Christian with half a smile. He was clearly oblivious.

I shrugged, "just funny how into it you got," I lied.

"Amie loves me, I had to put in my two cents," he grinned and kissed my cheek.