Unexpected Promises

Chapter 63

Atifa's pov: 

The pain felt unbearable. It felt too much. It felt like something was prickling my heart, making me restless. It felt like someone took my heart out and shredded it into little pieces before putting it back in its place. 

I wondered why it hurted so much. I wondered what my mistake was. And I wondered if every person who lost their closed ones felt the same, went through the same pain. It broke my heart a little more every time I thought of those who might have felt the same pain or who might have had to go through the same thing. 

It especially broke my heart when I thought of the pain our beloved prophet Muhammad S.A.W. might have gone through when he lost his beloved wife. He loved her so much and yet he had to let go of her. He had to live without her for the rest of his life. How hard must it be for him? How much pain did he have to endure in his life? He even lost his mother at a young age. And he didn't get to meet his father even for once. He lost his grandfather just a few years after losing his mother. Did he not lose almost everyone close to him? How… how did he even endure that pain? 

Just thinking about it clenched my heart as an unknown pain tugged at it, engulfing me in its folds. Was this the pain which ammi had to go through when she lost abbu? Was this the same pain which I felt when we lost abbu? I- I wasn't sure. The pain, those painful moments had become just that. A distant memory. And even if I tried to think about it, to recall, I couldn't bring myself to feel the same thing once again. 

Even if it was the same pain, this one felt much more intense. It felt much more surreal. And I wondered, I wondered what was more painful. Losing someone forever and knowing that they won't ever be back, or losing someone with time and not knowing if we would ever be able to meet them. 

Maybe… Just maybe, losing someone with time was much more painful because we wouldn't even be able to know if they were alright or not. Or if they were even alive or not. Because when we lose someone for forever, at least we know, at least we are certain about something, that they wouldn't ever be back, even if we want them to. But losing someone with time, because of reasons unknown, it felt much more painful. It felt much more surreal. It felt so much more unbearable. 

Why couldn't we just be together? Why did he have to face this test? What… What was our mistake? Did we commit any sin? A sin so big that we wouldn't be forgiven without having to be separated from each other for we don't even know how long? 

If that's the case then please Ya Allah! Please forgive us! I don't think we would be able to take this pain anymore. I don't think I would be able to pass this test. And I- I don't want to fail in any of your tests. Please make it easy for me, for us. Please give us sabr Ya Rabbi. Please help us. Please be there for us. I cried while clutching my hands closer to my heart as the pain in my heart intensified. How would I be able to handle this Ya Rabbi? How will we? 

Closing my eyes and taking a few deep breaths, I attempted to wipe my tears away while looking out of the window. Amira was here with me. And maybe she needed me the most right now. But what was I doing? Wallowing in self pity and helplessness? This wasn't me, this wasn't how I should be. 

If Allah Subhanahu Wa Taàla thinks that I would be able to handle this then even I should believe myself. Allah Subhanahu Wa Taàla wouldn't have put me in any such situation where he knew I wouldn't be able to handle it. He doesn't burden us more than we can bear. I needed to keep reminding myself of this. I needed to hold on. I needed to have faith. I needed to believe that there is a reason behind everything and whatever was happening, there must be a reason for that too. 

"Api." Amira gingerly touched my arm, bringing me out of my thoughts. 

"Haa Mira." Turning my face to look at her and clearing my throat, I replied.