Unexpected Promises

Chapter 66

Atifa's pov: 

'Three years. It is going to be three years since I last saw him. Since we last met. And honestly speaking, I'm not even sure how I feel about it. Or how I feel about the things happening around me. Three years is a long time. Longer than I had imagined us being away from each other. 

I miss him, terribly. I don't even know how to explain it in words. In the beginning, my thoughts were usually occupied with him. What he might be doing or how he might be doing. If he missed me too. Or if he was alright. What… What was his mother's reaction? If she forgave him? She wasn't angry at him because of me, was she? 

But as time passed by, these thoughts faded to the back of my mind. Not that I don't think about him anymore, I do. But my thoughts aren't just occupied with him anymore. They are more occupied by ammi and Amira. About ammi's changed behaviour and about Amira's future. Then there are my studies. And although I'm not much concerned about them, my thoughts still wander here and there, giving me anxiety and panic attacks. 

My life… It is just going on. At times, time flies so quickly that I feel like I'm missing out on my life, or maybe I'm missing the moments which I should be cherishing. And then there are times - most of the times it's usually this time - when I can't wait for things to get over and done with. When the day doesn't seem to end and it just drags on. 

And today is one of those days. When the day doesn't seem to end and the time seems to drag on. I don't even know why but I'm missing him so much. Him; Saad; my husband. 'My husband.' Even writing it seems so weird after so long. But I miss him. And I hope he is alright. I really really hope that he and his family are okay. 

I- I have hurt him so much. Whether it was knowingly or unknowingly, it doesn't matter. And the guilt still gnaws at my heart, making me restless and sleepless at times. But what can I do? What can I do to make it go away? For it to leave me alone? I don't know… 

Sometimes I wonder if he got married and started his new life… I mean, I'm not sure, nor am I complaining because if it has happened then it was already written by Allah Subhanahu Wa Taàla in our fates even before we were born. But I have been waiting for him for three years to come and find us and there are times I feel hopeless, when I feel like he has given up on me, on us. And I can't stop my tears from cascading down their path while praying for it to be just my over thinking mind and nothing else. 

And then there are times when I feel like it's better if he has already moved on from me. Because those are the times when I don't know how to face him if I ever came across him, or if he ever found me, found us. Because I don't know how to answer him on behalf of ammi, or what to answer him. 

That case, our case, or situation, whatever it is, is still stuck in the same place. Ammi still hasn't disclosed any of her reasons to me, to us. In fact, if she used to be cold before, then she has become even colder now. I usually find her zoned out nowadays. And it was surprising in the start, even odd, but we are still trying to get used to this side of hers. 

It's not easy to accept what she has become. I would have never imagined her turning out like this. I wouldn't have anticipated anything like this happening. Ever. But look where we are! 

Sometimes… I admit guiltily... Sometimes, I feel like it's better that abbu left us before ammi turned this way. Because I don't think he would have been able to watch her turn into someone like this. So… modern? Cold? Harsh? Rude? Lost, perhaps? I don't know. Just… someone totally opposite of what she used to be. 

But then again, maybe she has her own reasons? I don't know! And it's just so frustrating because she refuses to tell us anything, not even her reasons!