A love story between Can and Demet.
A parallel of reality inspired by the real chemistry between these two wonderful actors that I particularly love.
Freely inspired story.
Their meeting, the evolution of their relationship, the ups and downs of a m...
This feeling that everything escapes me, slips out of my hands.
Again and again this same nightmare.
Why does it happen?
I am leaving Izmir today, military service, pride in having accomplished my duty as a citizen, as a soldier.
Every night here, the same scenario, dense fog, cold, everything is grey.
A hand clasping mine and her face, interrogating but always ending up smiling at me. She's the only one in color. Her soft round face, her almond-shaped eyes that marvel, her reddened cheeks, her black eye's and her hair with golden reflections. She's so beautiful...
And her laughter, her contagious laugh.
During this phase of my nightmare, I'm always in this state of trance, joyful. No matter how hard I do it and how many times I do it again and again, let it always end badly, at this very moment I am blissfully happy.
But these moments are of short duration.
Soon I feel that I am slipping into isolation, into coldness.
Not only I'm alone, but I have the strange feeling that a part of me is being torn away.
There are white sheets flying everywhere, I can't make out the faces behind them. The smell of the hospital. Screams, a call for help. Then blood, blood and tears.
Another hand I try to grab but it's unreachable.
Every step I take to try to reach it it moves a little further away. I know it will eventually disappear but I can't stop trying.
It's all in vain.
I scream and feel the warmth of the tears on my cheeks.
Perhaps it's the approach of February? My presence in Izmir? Strange coincidence...
Everything could have been so different...
Each time I open my eyes in this second state, I take a moment before realizing, the recurrence of the facts doesn't change anything. Why has fate been so relentless? Fate brought us together, it almost bound us together forever, but it was different.
Sometimes, in a burst of hope, in a burst of energy, I would like to fight, to fight to recover what has escaped me, to try again but I am afraid in the end to do more harm.
Many events almost separated us. The secrecy, the gossip of the press, the jealousies of the professional entourage and always we were able to bounce back. In pain, with feathers, but we managed it.
But God had the last word, snatching the most precious thing from us, perhaps punishing us for being too happy, reminding us that we didn't deserve this happiness.
Since then, I have tried to continue to survive.
My little routines to dress up my life day after day.
A few tops when I could feel useful, bringing happiness to fans, to my family, to strangers in need. Giving the change I'm making. Sometimes I still feel useful. The time that has elapsed since the collapse of my hopes seems completely distracted to me.
And the lows, those moments that today sum up three quarters of my existence.
The end of Erkenci Kus sounded the death knell for everything that made my life happy. The love of my life has left me, mad with a grief I can't bear, my career is at a standstill, my reputation in Turkey is below zero. I wonder if I'm not going to go back to my little career as a lawyer...after all or go abroad for a while...?
Today, like the albatross of fiction, I can't even find my home, the one where my soul leads me because it doesn't exist. Did it even exist?
I wander hopelessly to find a way out.
The biggest mistake I've made in my whole life, going to sea, will have cost me everything else.
Her few words, a bad choice, that touch of selfishness and the drama that followed let all my hopes for the future slip away. The one I had never imagined, the one I wasn't expecting and that made me sick with lack... I approached him so closely...
After these few months, the pain is less constant, it's like everything...with time...
But when she wakes up, the blades of the knife that pierces me are sharper each time...
I shut myself up. Even my mother and father find it hard to break this shell that I build up every day. I have no other choice, today everything is a dilemma.
Going back to my former life, keeping a low profile in order to restore my image and resume my career?
Going abroad for a while to clear my head, to make new experiences?
I confess I'm leaning towards the second solution but professionally, and my managers have warned me, it would certainly not be a good choice.
In the end, these three weeks in the army will at least have allowed me to stay away from the turmoil of my life.
The return to Istanbul does not bring me any joy. I didn't want to believe it when those closest to me insisted but I think they are right, I am in the middle of a depression. It's not my temperament to be like this, to brood, to complain. After the euphoria of the first few weeks, busy convincing myself that everything was fine, partying, promoting the places I frequented, winter came.
I need a project, a new start. Something that triggers in me a new desire to live... to finally move on and forget the dark hours of my loss, of this abandonment...
I sigh deeply.
I close my eyes.
And my phone vibrating on the table...
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Hello everyone!
I wrote this chapter at the beginning of 2020 when Can had just finished his military service. It is a chapter apart, shorter and a good one in time compared to the course of history. A somewhat sad moment, but one that unfortunately seemed to me to coincide with its actuality at the time: uncertain and without Demet.
The chronological continuation will come back in the next chapter! See you soon!
I repeat myself but don't forget to subscribe to my profile to be notified of updates! Take care of yourself!
