Unscripted love

50. Five Letters

Can

I never thought that one day I would feel so at home outside the borders of my own country. I thought about it for months, not wanting to bring myself to do it, but Ferzan* finally convinced me. Personally, it's still a heartbreak and I feel like I'm turning my back on my homeland. But professionally it's a golden opportunity to finalise projects that have never seen the light of day in Europe and I couldn't put off such generous offers any longer.

It's all the more embarrassing because my relationship with Demet is complicated, difficult to describe... I don't even have the right adjective...

Even though I have very strong feelings for her, and still desire her with all my heart, I'm blocked, unable to bring myself to move on, but also paralysed at the idea of trying a "us" again. I've had such a hard time that I'm not ready to invest in a relationship. There's the press, our jobs, the pressure of our environment. I don't want to fall back into the same destructive spiral that would end up destroying us completely. I don't want us to hate each other for good either. The film in which we were supposed to be partners again did not come to fruition, as if fate were still working against us or showing us that there was no point in insisting.

I can't describe what we are to each other: certainly not a couple but more than friends...

When we met again a little over six months ago, when she confessed the truth to me, I reacted badly, very badly. Despite her confession I rejected her. I was far too proud to accept HER wrong reasons for breaking up with me. I had buried so much resentment and regret during the time she had excluded me from her life that I couldn't see it any other way.

But fate and those closest to me sent me new signs. I realised that in order to heal and get out of this permanent malaise, I had to let my heart forgive. I thought that the months that had passed had allowed me to heal, that I was better, that I had come through it. Yet my inability to form a new relationship, to want to, proved me wrong, I had just learned to live with my pain, resigned. So instead of continuing to tame my grief, I tamed my anger. I let Demet back into my life, sparingly. She took an interest in my plans, calling me regularly and then more and more often. We started sharing outings with mutual friends again, my mother invited her to dinner at the same time as me, and finally we went on dates together. From one dinner for two a week, she insidiously imposed herself in my world, more than I would have liked if I had been asked. Without promising anything, her presence alone erased all others in her path. How could I not be taken in by her sunny personality and her joy of living?

She had come back to bring light into my life. No matter how much I barricaded my heart, she had the key to the locks.

During a dinner at her home in the summer, her brother and sister came to talk to me as an aside, discreetly thanking me for having brought back her smile. According to them, since we had buried the hatchet, she was at peace, happy and above all she no longer spoke of her health problems, seeming to have accepted this inevitability.

I too felt this fullness, but I couldn't project myself, to know where all this was going to lead us.

The most delicate moments were probably the goodbyes. There was still some sexual tension between us, and the long months of chosen celibacy did not help. As we got to know each other better and gained confidence in each other, we became "tactile" again. Arm in arm, a caress on the face, hands holding and intertwining, harmless cuddles that we find ourselves cutting short when we realise...

Again, it's hard to fight against these things that naturally take hold without permission. But as the saying goes, "once bitten, twice shy", and I had become the one to put up the barriers, unable to take the plunge or let things happen. There was always something inside me that prevented me from being natural, from letting myself go. Yet there was no lack of desire or urge.