Love is a Riot

27

«Will you stay with me after dark? »

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Imari left shortly after our conversation and I was left sitting behind my door, with all my thoughts battling with each other inside my head. Does he really intend to keep this going? Is he really playing with me or is he trying to get back at me? Is he trying to teach me a lesson or what? I don't understand and I'm having a really hard time getting ahold of the situation.

Naputol ang pag-iisip ko nang makarinig ako ng sunod-sunod na pagkatok mula sa pinto. I stood up on impulse, thinking, is it Imari? Why did he come back? Did he forget something? I looked around dahil baka nga may naiwan talaga siya at makakabalik pa naman dahil hindi pa siya nakakalayo.

My eyes widened the moment I opened the door and my mouth fell open when I saw not Imari... but Deuce. Naramdaman ko ang pagtakas ng kulay sa mukha ko maging ang pagsisimula ng pangangatog ng kamay hanggang tuhod ko nang magtama ang mga mata naming dalawa.

Before I could even react, he locked the space between us and hugged me tightly like he never did before. 

I kept my composure and I didn't freak out. I don't want him to think that he still has control over my emotions. My legs felt wobbly when I felt the warmth of Deuce's body against mine. He wore the same perfume, and even his hair smelled the same. It was intoxicating that I almost forgot what he did to me. He himself is poison.

I calmly pushed him back, at nararamdaman ko na rin ang pamamanhid ng kamay ko dahil sa panlalamig nito. Deuce might have felt how cold my hands were noong dumampi ang mga ito sa mga matitipuno niyang braso, but he did not say anything.

"Cielo, please listen to me," he said calmly, which shocked me. "My baby, please... let's go home together again."

"No," I said, my lips trembling. "No, Deuce. Leave me alone. Tigilan mo na ako, please. Ayoko na talaga."

His expression did not change at all. Like he wasn't listening to me or he isn't taking what I said seriously. He just stood in front of me, kaya naman blangkong napatitig na lang ako sa kanya.

He lost weight. A lot of it. He looked like he wasn't eating his meals on time, like he always did before. He would always cook for me and he'd let me eat it all, leaving nothing to himself.

When I look back at it, I realized I can't even choose what dish I wanted to eat kapag kakain kami sa labas because he always did that for me. He wanted me to only eat healthy foods and never took me to fast food restaurants.

The clothes I would wear, I should ask for his permission before actually buying them. I even enrolled in my course because it was his choice for me.

My world literally revolved around him. I was extremely dependent on him ever since. And his love meant everything to me that I had to leave my own choices to him in order for him to not hate me.

I thought that is what love is.

"Why?" he asked, his voice a bit hoarse. "Do you actually trust that guy? Hmm?"

I raised a brow. "'That guy?' Ano na namang ibinibintang mo sa akin, Deuce?"

Is he talking about Imari?

"He even walked you home. Isn't that so sweet?" he said sarcastically. I was right that he was talking about Imari. So he was following us? Since when? He's really going too far! "You can thank me later for not doing anything. Even if I saw the two of you go inside the house, I did nothing, I didn't hurt him. That's what we talked about, Cielo."

Nakaramdam na naman ako ng galit. He was always like this. He never trusted me. Instead of talking things out, he would always resort to violence. Deuce always wanted to hurt people. Instead of listening, he would go creating his own stories and would believe in them.

At isang araw na lang. siya pala itong may iba. And he wouldn't even admit it. I hate how he always manipulated me into thinking that everything was my fault. But I never blamed him. Not even once.

"I don't want you meddling in my life like this anymore," matigas kong sabi habang nakayukom ang mga kamao. "Ano naman sa'yo kung magkasama kami? Tapos na tayo."

Para akong may kinalabit na gatilyo. I saw how his expression changed. His jaw clenched and he looked at me with his dark eyes. He faked a laugh that almost made me piss my pants. His eyes looked like they were of the dead. Walang bakas ng emosyon.

"Don't trust him. Don't trust anyone," sabi niya at mahigpit akong hinawakan sa magkabilang braso. Inilapit niya ang mukha niya sa akin at matalas akong tiningnan sa mata. "I'm the only one you should trust. Not him. Not anyone else."

"Stop it!" I shouted, and tried so hard to get away from his grip. "Let go of me. I'm really going to call the cops."

I just said that out of fear kahit na alam kong hindi naman siya matatakot because his uncle always got him out of trouble. But fortunately, his grip loosened, hanggang sa sobrang luwag na talaga ng kapit niya sa pulso ko.

"I'm trying to protect you from harm, Cielo. Why can't you listen to me?" he said. "Don't hate me. You can't hate me. I'm the only one who can love you like this."

"What exactly are you trying to protect me from?" pagbabalik ko ng tanong sa kanya. Protecting me from harm when he's literally the one who brings harm to me? What the hell is this irony? "Being with you is the most dangerous place I could be."

Hindi siya nakapagsalita. He calmed down pero nananatili ang blangkong ekspresyon ng mga mata niya. I was watching him, pero kaagad kong ibinaba ang tingin sa sapatos niya, fearing I would eventually back out after meeting his eyes.

"And you don't even know what love is, Deuce," neither do I. "You don't love me. You just needed something you can call yours."

I'm angry. I'm just barely pulling myself back up. I don't want to go through the same shit again...

Strange.

After all this time, kahit na nandito na kami, there's no way in hell I can bring myself to tell him that it's all his fault.

I was bullied, ridiculed, controlled, I was not happy. But that didn't matter to me because as long as I'm with him, I'll be fine. I believed that everything is going to be fine as long as we're by each other's side.

When we broke up, I questioned my worth, doubted my existence, and kept on asking myself where did I go wrong. I had been insecure, overly conscious, I starved myself, blamed myself for everything, and did whatever I can do to punish myself for being me.

"That does not matter. You love me. You can't live without me," sabi niya at binitawan ako. "You'll be back eventually. That is because I'm the only one who can handle you. And because you're mine. Keep that in mind."

Mariin kong ipinikit ang mga mata ko. What do I expect?

Deuce never listened to me. All this time, I suffered all alone, because he never listened to me.

Who are you to ask to be heard when you've never listened?

"Go ahead and mess around behind my back, Cielo, and you'll see what will happen."