Love is a Riot

17

« Loving you is a losing game. »

༻﹡﹡﹡﹡﹡﹡﹡༺

"I'm sorry. I can't do this. I can't do this. I'm so sorry..."

Natigilan ako dahil sa sinabi ni Imari. It was like a splash of cold water, like a slap in the face. He cannot do it?

Is he really that disgusted with me?

"Why?" I said, at kaagad na umiwas ng tingin. I immediately stepped back, at nakaramdam ng pagkahiya.

I kind of want to take back the question because I don't want to hear the answer, but I chose to keep my ears open for him. "We'll take it slow since it's your first, I can do all the work if you want me–"

"Do you like me too?"

Kaagad akong napalingon sa kanya. He's staring at me intently, waiting for me to say a word. Why is he asking me that all of a sudden? "What are you talking about? I have a boyf–"

"Exactly."

Kaagad akong napalunok at napaiwas ng tingin, patuloy na kinakapa ang mga salitang dapat kong sabihin ngayon, pero hindi ko iyon mahanap.

"You don't like me, you have a boyfriend, and you treat me like a kid who won't say no to you just because I like you," sabi niya, at kaagad na tinakpan ang buong katawan ko gamit ang damit na pinulot sa sahig. "Please stop that. Stop giving people false hopes. Thank you."

Ilang segundo rin akong walang kibo.

Yes. Imari is not dumb. And I'm the one who got ahead of myself because he likes me.

Nakakahiya. Sobrang nakakahiya.

"But it's just sex!" sabi ko sa kanya. "It's just casual sex. What's there to lose?"

Yes. It's just sex. Ano pa bang mawawala sa akin? I did it with Deuce, I did it with other guys already. Wala nang mawawala sa akin. Wala na...

Nilingon niya ako, at marahang humakbang papunta sa akin. He's not even losing his composure.

"Sorry," he said, at siya na ang nagsuot sa akin ng damit na hawak ko. "I don't want to settle for temporary pleasures."

Nagulat ako sa sinabi niya at kaagad na lumayo.

I hate him. I hate him so much!

"Hah!" I said, at kaagad na isinuot ang damit ko. "I just tried to have sex with you. Don't worry, I do this all the time. I do this with everyone," pagsisinungaling ko. "You're not special. Don't get ahead of yourself. Or maybe you just don't want to do it with me because you think I'm dirty?"

"What–"

"Don't ever talk to me again. Or even look my way. Stay away from me," putol ko kay Imari. I don't want to hear it. I just don't want to. And I need to say these words to him para masigurado kong hindi na siya lalapit pa sa akin.

I looked at him one last time when I finished putting on all my clothes. "And I'm not ever going to like you. You don't have to worry about the temporary nonsense that you were talking about just now. You're not even my type. Boring guy. Fucking nerd."

Imari didn't even flinch, pero nakita ko ang pagbabago ng ekspresyon niya bago ako tumalikod at lumabas ng pinto.

But it isn't important anymore. The next few days, I'm sure we'll be strangers again. I'm sure we'll just act like we don't know each other.

Just like that.

After that, I started walking home with a really heavy heart. Sobrang gusto kong ilabas ang lahat.

I hate Imari, but I don't know why. And I know I shouldn't be hating him.

What am I so angry about? I actually snapped when he didn't even say something na nakakainsulto. What the fuck is wrong with me?

Am I disappointed because Imari refused to have sex with me, or because he didn't turn out to be what I expected him to be?

This will be so much easier if he just took the bait. At least, that way, I can really say that he's the same with everyone else. Pero hindi.

Why are you like that, Imari?

Why are you making me so confused?

It makes me want to... rely on you. And I hate it.

You're so pure, you're like an untouched dew on a leaf on a Sunday morning.

While I'm your complete opposite.

Am I too much? Hindi ko na siguro dapat sinabi sa kanya ang mga bagay na iyon. Actually, for the little time na nakasama ko siya, sobrang sumaya ako.

Pero tapos na iyon.

Kaagad kong pinihit ang doorknob, and it is locked, gaya ng pagkakalock ko dito kanina.

Is Deuce still not home? Kasi kung nandito na siya, he'll surely go outside and look for me... not that I actually want that to happen.

I got the key at kaagad na binuksan ang pinto. I exhaled a harsh breath when I confirmed that Deuce still isn't here. Is he going to spend the night there?

Na-guilty akong bigla nang maalala ko ang mga ginawa ko kanina. I'll be so guilty in front of Deuce, because I kissed another guy and almost had sex with him without him knowing, so I decided to just sleep, pero hindi ko maiwasan na mag-alala.

Deuce would normally tell me if he's going to spend the night at his cousin's crib. Baka nakatulog na?

I sighed and reached for my phone, at kaagad na kinontak ang numero ni Deuce.

Ilang rings pa lang ay sinagot na niya ang tawag. "Deuce–"

"Hello?"

My eyes widened when I heard a woman's voice. Napabangon ako habang nakatapat pa rin ang phone sa tenga ko. I can feel my heart throbbing.

"T-This is Deuce Crisologo's phone, isn't it?" paninigurado ko.

"Yes," the girl said. "I'm sorry, he went outside and left his phone... Do you want me to call him?"

Kaagad akong nakaramdam ng panlalamig.

But... I shouldn't jump into conclusions. Deuce won't ever cheat on me. He likes me so much and I'm the only one who can satisfy him.

Right.

Maybe she's a family friend. Tama iyon. I should just ask him about her pag-uwi niya. I shouldn't doubt him.

"No, thank you," I said. "Just tell him I called pagbalik niya."