Love is a Riot

42

[only a few chapters left for LIAR!!! thanks & love u all <333]

I stood up the moment the door opened at nagsimulang maglabasan ang mga bata mula sa classroom ni Terence, each one comes running to their mothers holding their lunchboxes. Nililinga-linga ko siya kanina pa, but since ayoko naman siyang maistorbo dahil nagkaklase siya, naghintay na lang ako hanggang maglunchtime na. I just sent him a message at sinabi na pupunta ako dito.

"Terence!" sigaw ko sa kanya, at nakangiti siyang lumabas ng classroom.

"Hi, Cielo!" bungad niya sa akin. He motioned on me to come inside his classroom na kaagad ko rin namang pinaunlakan. "Wala ka bang pasok?"

Umiling ako at iniabot sa kanya ang bitbit kong paper bag. "Wala e, by the way, lumuwas ako kahapon, sabi sa akin ni Mommy na iabot sa'yo 'to."

He scanned on what's inside the paper bag at ngumiti. "Ang daming pagkain! Nag-abala pa talaga si Auntie. I'm going to text her later."

"You know you're her favorite," sabi ko. "Hindi na ako magtatagal at baka busy ka, bye!"

Nagulat ako nang hawakan nya ang pulso ko.

"How are you, Cielo?"

I looked away from him pero nanatili akong nakangiti. "Okay lang naman!"

"I mean... you and that Imari guy. You mentioned him last time," he said. "Hindi naman kayo ginugulo ni Deuce?"

"Wala namang kami," sabi ko. "And... Deuce and I got back together."

"What?" he looked at me in disbelief. "Again?"

"What do you expect?"

"Akala ko... wait," sabi niya at hinilot ang sentido. "Akala ko, okay na? Closure na lang ang kailangan noon, 'di ba?"

"We keep coming back to each other, then I guess we're meant to be."

"You know you're bad at lying, right?" sabi niya. "What are you so afraid of? Because you're the only one he has? Because you pity him? Sayang ang pinagsamahan nyo? Maawa ka sa sarili mo, Cielo. You deserve to be happy, too. Stop making yourself miserable. You don't have to carry it all..."

Those were the very words he said before I said goodbye to him. I sighed. There are so many things that I should be worried about, lalo na ang exams ko, but I can't focus because of this. I pity him? Nanghihinayang ako sa pinagsamahan namin? Ako lang ang meron siya? No, none of those matters to me. The truth is, I'm only thinking about myself now. What I'm afraid of is that... paano kung ganoon nga ang mangyari? May magmamahal pa ba sa akin?

I just realized that the truth is that I just don't want to be hurt. At kung hindi ko ni-let go si Imari, he'd get hurt more and lose more than I will.

What if I just let him do it? Can I bear with the consequences? Kung ilabas niya man 'yon, I have nothing to lose anymore. Anong magbabago? Things are already worst kahit pa hindi niya ilabas iyon. I can't change immediately what people think of me, and I can't do anything about it.

"Sorry," I said as I bumped into someone. The moment she looked at me, I realized that the girl I bumped into was Ate Steffi. I smiled awkwardly at naglakad na ulit palayo.

"Wait," narinig kong sabi niya pagkatalikod ko at napapikit ako. I'm trying so hard to avoid people related to Imari in any way except for Cain, but I guess it can't be helped right now. "Are you busy?"

I didn't expect that Ate Steffi will ask me to grab coffee. Being the usual Ate Steffi, she ordered without asking me kung anong gusto ko. She told me na nagdala siya ng lunch para kay Rourke and didn't expect either na makikita niya ako.

I keep avoiding her eyes because she literally look intimidating. Diretsong-diretso lang siyang tumingin at parang walang iniiwasang conversation. I actually feel like she's looking at my every move at naiiyak na ako sa sobrang kaba. Gusto ko na lang umuwi.

"Ano'ng ginawa mo sa kapatid ko?" she asked bluntly as she rolled her eyes heavenward after sipping from her coffee. "God, will you two just make up already? I can't bear to see my brother looking like a stinky teenage guy."

I gave her a half smile. "Sorry, Ate..."

She rolled her eyes again. "I knew this would happen."

I smiled awkwardly, and kept my eyes glued on the coffee. I wonder what's happening to Imari now. I know he said all that because he's shocked and tired of everything, but I know that he loves me deeply and that he's hurting. I never invalidated his feelings. I would not look at his love for me as something so shallow.

"He told me everything," sabi niya sa akin, at napatingala ako sa kanya. She went poker-faced as she spoke. "Everything. And with that, I mean all the good, all the bad."

I looked down and focused on her nails ticking on the table. I can feel fear starting to cross my face, afraid that I might hear something I don't want to hear, too scared that it's something that will hit me hard.

"I'm not saying this as Sage Imari's older sister, but as an adult... Is that right? Oh, co-adult sounds nicer. Does that word exist? Anyway, never mind," she said and took a sip from her coffee. "You have to decide. You're not playing games anymore. Hindi na kayo bata. I feel like you're still so confused; but forced love, or chased love, whatever it is, isn't love. You're going to regret it at some point in your life."

"But..." I said, with tears starting to wet my eyes. Naramdaman ko ang panginginig boses ko habang nagsasalita. "It's so hard... Hindi ko na alam kung ano'ng gagawin ko. I just want it all to stop. I don't wanna be selfish but I just want to leave everything behind and start over again."

I saw her stopped moving the moment she saw tears flooding my eyes. She seemed panicky, and looked around to see if anyone's watching. "God, baka sabihin inaaway kita," she said. "But listen, my brother told me that you're with Deuce again, and I can feel that something's not right. Leave everything behind? Be selfish? Sa tingin mo, nagbenefit ka d'yan sa kagagahan mo?"

I pursed my lips and kept crying as quiet as I could. Ate Steffi kept on shushing me at nakita kong napapahilot siya sa sentido niya. "Just stop crying, my god," sabi niya at lumipat ng upuan katabi ko. Nagulat ako dahil niyakap niya akong bigla. "You're not selfish for wanting to be treated right, goddamnit."

I don't know why but I started ugly crying that I clung onto Ate Steffi's chest and bawled my eyes out. The way she was shushing me isn't how Imari comforted me, but it made me feel good, it pacified me, and I least expected to feel that from Ate Steffi who seemed to not really favor me. "Gosh, I should've extended a helping hand sooner. What a crybaby."

"You don't have to think too much about it. Just go where it feels right. Where it's safe. Where you're happy," sabi niya bago humiwalay sa akin. She wiped my tears away at saka hinawakan ang magkabila kong braso para iharap sa kanya. "And one more thing. Be honest with yourself, be honest with that guy, be honest with my brother. Because honesty... is the best policy, I guess? No, I'm just kidding. Just say what you want to say! It's up to them to decide if they'll stay or watch you from a distance."

That day, I gathered all the courage to call that number I deleted, pero memorized ko naman.

"Hello?"

It felt like there were growing thorns inside my heart but they hurt in a good way.

"I just wanted to hear your voice...

Imari."