Coder Girl /Dreamwastaken/

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I can't believe I spent even more hours doing absolutely nothing. I haven't eaten, haven't drunk water and didn't even feel like I could sleep even though I already went more than a day without sleep.

I tried to answer at least George's calls, but couldn't get myself to. I pressed the icon but didn't have enough courage to swipe it. I spent another day avoiding everyone.

But somehow I felt worse today. I felt so much worse. I've been alone with my thoughts for a whole day and a half. And it got worse.

Clay didn't call. He didn't even text. He promised to leave me alone and kept his promise. It was my choice. Why am I regretting my choice? Why do I want him to text? I want to hear his apology, knowing in fact that it's not gonna change anything. I want to see him in real life and hear him talk, knowing that it'll hurt me more. I can't forgive him, but I want him to apologize.

No. That's stupid. Less feelings, more brain.

I should sleep. I should sleep before I go crazy.

At around 3 a.m. I forced myself to at least drink water before going to bed. I didn't know if I wanted to check George's and Nick's messages or not. They called probably a hundred times already. Maybe I should at least read the texts so they know I'm alive.

Georgenotfound I'm worried

Georgenotfound can at least one of you pick up?

Georgenotfound or just text me that you're okay

With shaky fingers, I managed to type something. I made 3 mistakes in a 6 letter sentence and had to rewrite it.

lizzil I'm okay

I immediately closed the chat seeing that he read and started typing. I can't do this right now.

Maybe Nick can help? He always helps. He's not involved, he won't be bias. I probably should talk to him in the morning.

And the morning felt like it didn't want to come. I woke up every 10 minutes in cold sweat, with the feeling of my heart falling out of my chest. Right when I felt myself drifting to sleep, an unexplainable feeling of terror made my eyes pop open with my heart pounding in my chest. And the unusual sinking feeling inside of me, the realization of what was happening-

I'm not okay. I need help.

I couldn't talk about this to anyone. No one knew Clay and George except for Nick. No one would understand except for him.

I hesitantly took out my phone, seeing that it was 5 in the morning. It would be 4 a.m. for him, but I had no other choice. I just called him.

The feeling of guilt in my stomach was making me sick with each ring. Luckily he didn't let me suffer for long. He picked up.

"Lizzy? Thank god. Are you okay?" I could tell from his voice that I just woke him up.

"I.. I'm.. n-no." I was just realizing how bad my voice sounded. I couldn't even speak without stuttering.

I'm having a panic attack. Oh no.

I quickly stood up to turn on the lights after realizing that my chair looked like an actual demon in the darkness. And I also felt like there was someone behind my curtain watching me.

Why do I feel alone and watched at the same time-

"Lizzy? Are you there? What happened?" I heard Nick's voice and snapped back to reality.

"H-huh?" I turned the lights on but it scared me more. Now I could see everything. I turned it back off and got under my sheets.

"Wait, turn your camera on right now." His voice was the only thing keeping me sane at the moment.

"No- I-I'm not."

"Turn your camera on. You don't have to show yourself, just turn it on. Trust me."

My hands were shaky to the point that I misclicked 2 times before getting it right. It was dark in my room and the brightness of my screen was decreased all the way down. All it did was show him a blackscreen of the darkness, but at least I saw his face.

"See, I'm here. You're okay. Talk to me." The lighting in his room was dim as well, but I could see him clearly.

"I'm- I can't sleep, I, I'm scared b-but I don't know wh.. why." I managed to tie a few words together, trying to keep my attention on his face and not my surroundings.

"Are you alone right now?" Nick was just asking a question. He didn't realize how scary those words sounded to me.

"I h-hope I am?"

From his face expression and short silence I understood that he was slowly realizing that I was having a panic attack.

"I'm here, just don't hang up, I'm here."

I would actually pass out if it wasn't for his words. He kept speaking, I don't even remember the things he said, guess I didn't pay attention to the context. I heard his voice, I saw his face, and it was enough for me to relax in some type of degree.

"When I was young, I used to caress the petals of the flowers, almost 100% sure that they could feel it," I don't know how he got to flowers with his stories, but this is when I felt like I could listen properly, "and I never picked flowers thinking that it hurt them. But once I had a huge crush on a girl from my kindergarten and picked daisies for her. Almost cried in the process tho."

I giggled from his story and saw his eyes light up. He's been talking for 3 hours now, and this was my first ever reaction. Except for the times he asked if I was there and I said yes.

I was feeling better. Well, physically. The sun was raising, my room wasn't as dark as it was hours ago, Nick was still telling stories. And he probably could partially see my face now too, under the first few rays of the sun. I looked like a mess. Like a ran-over raccoon.

"I'm better. I'm sorry." I spoke as soon as I got the chance to.

"Don't apologize, idiot," he half-smiled, "wanna talk?"

It was actually my plan when I called. Talking to him about the situation. But instead he had to sit through 3 hours of me shaking and crying while he told stories to calm me down.

"Yeah. If you're free." My voice sounded so bad.

"Do I look busy? Look at me." He laughed, flipping the camera to show the muted Animal Planet channel on the TV screen.

I spent 2 hours telling him about the situation. Every single detail from start to finish. And he looked so invested in it. I already felt better knowing that I wasn't alone. He could help me.