life's confessions

second hand

|deaja| i opened my eyes to auntie karen still fast asleep. i sat up and looked at the wall as reality came rushing back to me. i hoped it was all a dream but it was just reality.

Not wanting to get lost in my thoughts I stood my feet and headed into the bathroom to wash up before she got the chance to stare me down getting ready.

I was still in the same headspace as yesterday but I had to pull myself together anyhow because if she found out it would make her emotional.

I threw on a sweat shirt and some biking shorts throwing my natural hair into a high ponytail. I made a mental note to set up an appointment cause my frizzy thick hair was hard to manage.

I wondered up the stairs not bothering to wake her up I saw uncle drew sit on the couch watching cnn. "Good morning dee" he said looking up at me.

"Good morning unc" I replied taking a seat across from him. "How are you feeling?" He asked.. he already knew the answer hence why he asked but I decided to sugar coat it anyways.

"I'm trying" I said fiddling with my thumbs in nervousness. "Well first things first why are you so nervous?" He asked tilting his head to the side.

Truth be told I still had that thought of them letting me go.. giving up on me. It's just what I'm used to it's what I expect from everybody.

"I've grown so attached to everybody and I can't help but fear that you'll drop me like a sack of potatoes.. I feel like a burden to you all..." I said hearing my voice crack I made an attempt to clear my throat but failed still feeling the large lump in my throat.

"Deaja.. let me tell you something" he said coming over to sit beside me. I nodded my head letting him know he had my attention.

"You are family. We will not be dropping you anywhere.. if something were to happen to me and my wife you have your aunts and cousins to take care of you."

"Don't make yourself sick stressing about these things. We got you.. Me and karen was just talking about how you've become a daughter to us."

"The exact reason why I have it out for the man who did it to you.. i could kill him right now and suffer the consequences because you're worth it.."

"don't let anybody tell you your worthless because that is a lie from the pits of hell. We love you no matter what so get it into your head."

He sat and we talked.. he knew all the right things to say. Unfortunately I do have to live with myself knowing what went down.. I've been through lifetimes worth of trauma. I'll be okay i just know I will..

|karen| i rolled over to find the other side of the bed cold. Feeling my breath quicken i immediately jumped to my feet and went to check in the bathroom.. nothing.

I went up the stairs and saw drew and dee talking about whatever it is they were talking about. Wanting to capture this pure moment i fumbled with my phone trying to open the camera app.

I snapped a few pictures then made my way over to where they sat. "Good morning y'all" I said kissing deaja on the cheek and made my way to drew leaving a kiss on his lips.

I went into the kitchen and looked for something to cook. "What y'all want to eat?" I asked turning my head to the living room that was connected to the kitchen.

"Pancakes?" Drew said in a questionable tone. "Deaja is that fine?" I asked she nodded her head "yes ma'am whatever you make is fine" she said before turning back to drew.

I grabbed the ingredients I needed and got to work flipping pancakes then placing them on the plate. I went ahead and added bacon to the skillet.

I finished plating all three plates and grabbed the orange juice from out the fridge grabbing cups and placing them on the table beside the plates.

"Y'all can come eat now" I said they both came in the kitchen washing their hands and drying them taking a seat at the table.

We joined hands and drew blessed the food. We started eating and making small talk "dee" I said getting her attention. She looked up from her plate and raised her eyebrows.

"Doe will be here shortly to come get you so you can hang with her for the day" i said. She was already dressed so she didn't have much to do.

We finished breakfast and I was in my bedroom freshly out the shower moisturizing my body then throwing on just anything.

I heard the sound of water come on. I turned to Drew and he shrugged his shoulders not knowing what it was.

I went down the stairs into the kitchen to fix some coffee when I saw dee standing over the sink washing dishes.

"Dee baby you didn't have to do that." I said. I knew that was a thing on my to-do list for later on. "No it's fine it's the least I can do if I'm living here rent free." She said giving me a head tilt.

"You're a baby dee you should be living rent free." I said before I heard the sound of the locks turning. I stepped out into the living room to the door opening and dorinda stepping inside.

"IM HEREEE" she yelled out taking a couple steps inside. My eyes shot down to her feet seeing the shoes still on them. "Quit with all that noise and take them shoes off in my house i done told y'all" I said before turning around.

Dorinda trailed behind me heading into the kitchen to the sight of dee cleaning the kitchen. "Hey mini me" Dorinda said as they exchanged hugs.

Fifteen minutes later they were out the door and it was just me and drew. I walked into the room and climbed onto the bed.

I made my way to where drew was sitting and sat on his lap straddling him rocking my hips into his hard shaft. "Karen what you want?" He asked and I leaned down into his ear. "You know what I want" I whispered biting his ear.

|deaja| me and auntie doe were sitting on the couch in her living room speaking about my future.. I had it already laid out in front me.

The subject quickly changed to what was going on with me. Not sure if she knew or not I told her how I got violated and how I was contemplating on committing.

"I am so so sorry.." she started. I gave her a weak smile and she finished. "Suicide is not a option at all. You have all of these people that are coming hard behind you so that's out of the picture." She said and I nodded my head.

She told me about her near death experience and how she was about to drive off the bridge. My heart dropped when she let me know she was once in the place im in right now.

We hugged it out, prayed and laid around watching movies all day before she took me back to aunt karens house.

We walked in and our ears were met with the sound of a bed rocking. I covered my mouth and looked up at aunt doe all she was doing was shaking her head in shame.

"Your auntie is nasty. come on let's go sit in the car a little, hopefully they'll be done by the time we come back" she said opening the door for me.

We sat in the car for about thirty minutes.. the level of second hand embarrassment i was experiencing was crazy.

She called auntie karen and she picked up after a few rings. "Y'all done exchanging sex juices so we can come inside?  you done traumatized the poor baby" she said and i let out a ugly laugh.

"Oh my Goddd" was all that left karens lips and we made it in the house. The two of them at the top of the stairs we all just erupted in laughter.